another day of bullshit

i woke up this hearing the fucking knock-knock sound. my bf got up and of course, did i.

aiyah, i dunno what to say now. except that i m feeling very frustrated of late. how? what should i do about my fucking life in paris???

my cds is going to expire, my plans for my immigratio here is going into the air since i cant even get my cds soon. NOTHING WORKS IN PARIS, FRANCE! that's for sure. and people here are all so rude and lazy. i want to have as little as possible to do w frenchies. and my taiwanese friend actually said to me: "tu es trop sensible"

IS ASKING FOR DCENT MANNERS BEING SENSITIVE????????? PLEASE!

i just want something decent. i feel depressed living in paris. i feel sian. i feel depressed.

titleless

Hmm.... i havent updated this in a bit. But i was just thinking that i'm so unbalanced lately. thanks to fucking france. the great country of great human rights. spit. retch. FUCK YOU FRANCE.

western democracies are hypocrites. full of em. their whole idea of 'oh, i must give you this right and that" but when push comes to shove, they turn around and say: "oh, out you go, oh you're of a different skin colour from me" and the whole slew.

i just think that westerners are hypocrites. i hate them all. i hate them all. i hate them all.

I HATE YOU ALL.

i m not in love with france anymore

i m writing this because i m not in love with france anymore.

FRANCE M'AIME PAS. JE T'AIME PAS AUSSI.

FRANCE, tu me decois. I am growing sick and tired of you. you are just shit. i hate you. because you dont like me. i aint no refugee but your uneducated peasants who work in those huge machines of prefectures, are stupid, dumb, uneducated and just horribly rude.

i dont love you anymore france.

Pierre Herme

I dashed off to starbux and did my writing. then back to the apartment. my routine is usually from 2-5pm and then i dashed back to my lovely apartment. before i dashed off to st germain des pres to Pierre Herme.
and i got myself DESIR.

check out this picture. it looks so comme-ci comme-ca.

i was standing in line, just by e edge of the store, and then, there was this guy standing in front; speaking english mostly with smatterings of francais. boy was he pretentious, talking about this and that and speaking so INCREDIBLY LOUD. i think that's just really in bad taste and he was just going on and on to this lady next to him, who was a lot more civil (and quieter); but then, who will have a voice when they're a booming one next to your ear.

the staff at Pierre Herme were really polite and nice; even offering napkins (do you need one?). i said no, in english cos my french still sucks. a whole cake there costs, at least like, 35 euros. crazy prices.

i bot this and ran!

hopefully it'll taste nice -> i really preferred the chocolate ones but duh has been saying "chocolate again?"

one of e greatest disappointments in my life are...

my friends.

fucking disappointment.

there are so many ppl i invested in. and i continually did so. but until the past few years, so many of the friendships died. also, becos i dumped quite a few. started w bernice han. god, fucking butch. then, reece. another fucking cunt. then, annie, whom i thot was a good pal. disappointment - to thk that someone would think so horribly of me without knwing the meaning of caricaturising, jacq, fucking loser - reece thinks u're shit yet you're still askin for her to splash it on ur face, and now li ying ping. oh god, dunno where to start.

i guess, the journey was solitary anyhow, it was my own journey and now, it's just beginning again - dunno endig?. anyway, i feel disappointed. but i realised that they were never real. it was just wishful thinking on my end. pity. the delusion happened so long and i never realised it.

but it made me seesomething. life is all illusion; i used to bask in the warmth of friendship but they werent' REAL. andnow,i feel e insecurity but this is reality. yet, feeling warmth is also real, if i think it. therefore, perception is as real as it gets, if only i can make myself feel that way.

i aspire to be truly independent. not dependent on other people or friends.

i hate those people i mentioned above. i want to vanquish them from my life. i want them out. i want every memory of them erased. i want to leave them behind. no more.

midlife crisis

i seriously think i m having some kind of midlife crisis.

it's strange. over years, it's alwas like that; i get some kind of difficult period, incredibly hard and terrible, awful torture. then later, better.

in short, ups and downs.

just that this down has been going on for so long - past 2 years, really - that i can't tell anymore.

now, i find it hard to go on, it's like, i feel nothing, there is nothing that can let me go on, move on. there is so much that is troubling me, i realise.

1) racist thing
2) friendships
3) insecurity, per se
4) aimlessness
5) stomach discomfort/fear of death

in short, ALL THESE FUCKING THINGS ARE HAUNTING ME. day and night. i realise that they're quit e abig chunk. why does this have to happen to me? i dont understand. it's unfair. other people just get on w their lives and i have to deal with this FUCKING SHIT everyday. FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING SHIT, day in day out. EVERYSINGLEFUCKINDAY

it's so unfair. why does this not happen to bad people? why does this not happen to other people that i dont give a fucking shit about or dont care for?

first up, i hate angmohs. i just want to move on and dont think of it. second, friendships. i feel so disappointed. reece is a fucking cunt, bernice is another one, jacq is another one, then, annie is a pure disappointment, and now, li ying ping. shits. all of them.

if you are reading this and you're one of them, yes, you're shit.

insecurity, quite a lot of it. i feel afraid of it, in general, as a result of these fake friendships that disappeared. i know now, for a fact, that they were never there for me from e start.

aimlessness, that's another one. i feel empty, nothingness, just devoid of direction. why? how do i start to cherish myself? i donnt. i want to know.

and last but not least, my stomach discomfort. what do i do with it? it's been 2 years over. i dunno how to rid of it. i want to rid of it. i dont want to die. i dont want to die younger than 70. i just want to be happy. happy without the stupid discomfort in my stomach. pls pls pls. GOD TAK EIT AWAY!

thoughts

thinking of about how i should release all the negative energy. and just move on. and stop harbouring anger. stop stop stop. i think i've let them go but i haven't because that's e reason why i keep tihnking that ppl are doing this to me, eg yingping is treating me like she is making use of me, or how people always who are slow or stupid, are conspiring to give me hell.