still on this neurosis of mine
today i had:
breakfast
2 slices of bread
1 banana
lunch
rice with vegetables and chicken
TEH
afternoon
carrot juice
yam bun
dinner
sakae salad
grilled chicken w rice
supper
papaya
slice of cake
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
rage
does nothing for you.
yes, i admit it. nothing. absolutely nothing. just burns away all your good karma.
i RESOLVE NOT TO BURN AWAY MY KARMA because it's not worth for those motherfucking idiots out there. yes, i must try to be so calm and cool because the moment i let myself rage inside, i have LOST.
i must be cool. i must keep my cool.
anger comes from myself and it is myself who is raging. i wil harm myself and no one else will know but myself.
why am i always upset with other people? why do i always want to Win? to take revenge? because i think it's necessary for me to show them who's boss. but why? i have been trying ot udnerstand myself. why was i so indignant when my tenant continues to defy me and invites her entire clan to the house?
2 possibilities:
tenant is a bitch. tries to irritate me
tenant is NOT a bitch. tries to get e best deal for herslef.
anger-what role does anger play? to show that i m boss and that i do get upset and show them i mean business.
why do i want to mean biz? that i CANT BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED?
but i get upset, does it mean that ppl are SCared???? NO.ppl wil do whatever they want to and they dont care even if u are angry. some people just will get more pissed off and wont run, like i think.
therefore my assumption is when i show ppl i m angry, people will RESPECT ME - SO NOT TRUE AT ALL.
- people will only start to act crazy if u go beyond a certain level of hostility.
another thing is ; will people respect you if u get upset or throw tantrum? no. they will only dislike u more and hate u more. highly possible.
i had another theory about anger. if u want others to respect u and etc....when u dont see ugly things, u GET THE IMPRESSION it means all is well. but is it true? no. the nastiness is still there. just because my tenant did not TELL ME THAT SHE WANTS T ASK HER ENTIRE CLAN TO COME, doesnt mean that she is not planning to do so.
my point is: u get upset only when u see the nasty things or stupid things ppl do. but it doesnt mean that they havent thought the thought and your anger is directed at those people because u think that they're thinking e thot. but u have to learn to accept that they've started to think those thoughts and already have been thinking those thoughts. accept it. learnt to accept it. that life is full of this shit and is NOT AS WONDERFUL AS U THINK but u must learn to accept it and stop feeling angry.
u are angry because u can't accept the truth about life: the ugly harsh truths.
CATHARSIS -> u havent accepted the truth about life's harsh realities.
yes, i admit it. nothing. absolutely nothing. just burns away all your good karma.
i RESOLVE NOT TO BURN AWAY MY KARMA because it's not worth for those motherfucking idiots out there. yes, i must try to be so calm and cool because the moment i let myself rage inside, i have LOST.
i must be cool. i must keep my cool.
anger comes from myself and it is myself who is raging. i wil harm myself and no one else will know but myself.
why am i always upset with other people? why do i always want to Win? to take revenge? because i think it's necessary for me to show them who's boss. but why? i have been trying ot udnerstand myself. why was i so indignant when my tenant continues to defy me and invites her entire clan to the house?
2 possibilities:
tenant is a bitch. tries to irritate me
tenant is NOT a bitch. tries to get e best deal for herslef.
anger-what role does anger play? to show that i m boss and that i do get upset and show them i mean business.
why do i want to mean biz? that i CANT BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED?
but i get upset, does it mean that ppl are SCared???? NO.ppl wil do whatever they want to and they dont care even if u are angry. some people just will get more pissed off and wont run, like i think.
therefore my assumption is when i show ppl i m angry, people will RESPECT ME - SO NOT TRUE AT ALL.
- people will only start to act crazy if u go beyond a certain level of hostility.
another thing is ; will people respect you if u get upset or throw tantrum? no. they will only dislike u more and hate u more. highly possible.
i had another theory about anger. if u want others to respect u and etc....when u dont see ugly things, u GET THE IMPRESSION it means all is well. but is it true? no. the nastiness is still there. just because my tenant did not TELL ME THAT SHE WANTS T ASK HER ENTIRE CLAN TO COME, doesnt mean that she is not planning to do so.
my point is: u get upset only when u see the nasty things or stupid things ppl do. but it doesnt mean that they havent thought the thought and your anger is directed at those people because u think that they're thinking e thot. but u have to learn to accept that they've started to think those thoughts and already have been thinking those thoughts. accept it. learnt to accept it. that life is full of this shit and is NOT AS WONDERFUL AS U THINK but u must learn to accept it and stop feeling angry.
u are angry because u can't accept the truth about life: the ugly harsh truths.
CATHARSIS -> u havent accepted the truth about life's harsh realities.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
work...
i have been working for several weeks liao. well 3 to be exact.
i dont particularly like e job. i dunno what i m doing in that ccockhole. i shouldnt swear. i think i should be beter now. anyway, i keep counting my days...to august, my driving practical test. ihope i pass.
on a different note, i have been tihnking a lot about buddhism. today, was thinking about homosexuality and buddhism. i was wondering y the dalai lama would condemn it and immediately, i dismissed him, and his authority (sorry) and even the Buddha. but i checked the net later and realised that i shouldnt ahve doubts. i did have my doubts and really, i shouldnt have. shouldnt be so quick to judge.
anyway, i dunno what to say liao. too warm, too humid, too tired.
i dont particularly like e job. i dunno what i m doing in that ccockhole. i shouldnt swear. i think i should be beter now. anyway, i keep counting my days...to august, my driving practical test. ihope i pass.
on a different note, i have been tihnking a lot about buddhism. today, was thinking about homosexuality and buddhism. i was wondering y the dalai lama would condemn it and immediately, i dismissed him, and his authority (sorry) and even the Buddha. but i checked the net later and realised that i shouldnt ahve doubts. i did have my doubts and really, i shouldnt have. shouldnt be so quick to judge.
anyway, i dunno what to say liao. too warm, too humid, too tired.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
i know the compassion in me...
is growing. certainly. quite sure of it.
but that serpent tongue of mine is still hanging around for a while longer. i still get a kick out of saying soemthing mean. what's wrong w me???
anyway, today, i went to my aunt's. then walked to dover mrt. the weather was kind of sucky. yucky. made my way into the train, sat next to someone who coughed quite badly and i left and went to antoehr carriage.
i walked to the kopitiam by e driving centre. had my meal. oh yes...i remember now. there was this maid or something, who SAT smack in my seat and by my table when i clearly had indicated that i had taken up the place there - i left my bag and my umbrella there. and of all the places she had to sit, she took mine.
maybe it's a test of patience of sorts. these days, i 'm looking for signs all the time. hahaha. yes, if it's a good one, why not? am i not right? after all, if u cheat urself just to make urself feel better, SURE, y not???
i didnt want to tell her off because i felt that i didnt have to. and that i should maintain my equanimity.
later, attended driving classes with a new instructor. yuck, i really dislike going to the group of men who own their own cars. yuck. it's disgusting. today's smelled liek the uncle had been farting in there for so long. and today, when doing my U-turn, i went up the fucking kerb. OMG. i should be ASHAMED F MESELF...keke.
later, had a bit of a migraine/headache and hung around the mrt station, cos my head was really hurting. then, went to holland v and sat down, and had kaya loti. and then, spoke to an auntie, who had a flu/cold. and i told her tips on what she should brew or drink in order to recover from her flu as wel as general upkeeping of one's pyhsical well-being tips. :) good me. hehe.
i think it's true indeed, helping others and being kind to others is very gratifying. but of course, i still find it difficult to do that to arrogant ppl. somehow, arrogant ppl make me feel that they are having a good time, therefore they shouldnt be helped and that they deserve to be made to feel like shit. well, that's a very erroneous view and i really hope to change that. :)
i have so many feaRS, etc; fear of not getting enough sleep, fear of not being well, fear of being stressed (As opposed to really being stressed - how FUCKING STUPID OF ME), fear of loved ones' not feeling well, fear of being poor, fear of being looked down upon, fear of financial instability, fear of instability. I LIVE IN FEAR! what the fuck. stupid me. i must let it go (or at least in order to go to the pureland).
Buddhism says one shouldnt have fear in one's heart.
gdnite edmund!
but that serpent tongue of mine is still hanging around for a while longer. i still get a kick out of saying soemthing mean. what's wrong w me???
anyway, today, i went to my aunt's. then walked to dover mrt. the weather was kind of sucky. yucky. made my way into the train, sat next to someone who coughed quite badly and i left and went to antoehr carriage.
i walked to the kopitiam by e driving centre. had my meal. oh yes...i remember now. there was this maid or something, who SAT smack in my seat and by my table when i clearly had indicated that i had taken up the place there - i left my bag and my umbrella there. and of all the places she had to sit, she took mine.
maybe it's a test of patience of sorts. these days, i 'm looking for signs all the time. hahaha. yes, if it's a good one, why not? am i not right? after all, if u cheat urself just to make urself feel better, SURE, y not???
i didnt want to tell her off because i felt that i didnt have to. and that i should maintain my equanimity.
later, attended driving classes with a new instructor. yuck, i really dislike going to the group of men who own their own cars. yuck. it's disgusting. today's smelled liek the uncle had been farting in there for so long. and today, when doing my U-turn, i went up the fucking kerb. OMG. i should be ASHAMED F MESELF...keke.
later, had a bit of a migraine/headache and hung around the mrt station, cos my head was really hurting. then, went to holland v and sat down, and had kaya loti. and then, spoke to an auntie, who had a flu/cold. and i told her tips on what she should brew or drink in order to recover from her flu as wel as general upkeeping of one's pyhsical well-being tips. :) good me. hehe.
i think it's true indeed, helping others and being kind to others is very gratifying. but of course, i still find it difficult to do that to arrogant ppl. somehow, arrogant ppl make me feel that they are having a good time, therefore they shouldnt be helped and that they deserve to be made to feel like shit. well, that's a very erroneous view and i really hope to change that. :)
i have so many feaRS, etc; fear of not getting enough sleep, fear of not being well, fear of being stressed (As opposed to really being stressed - how FUCKING STUPID OF ME), fear of loved ones' not feeling well, fear of being poor, fear of being looked down upon, fear of financial instability, fear of instability. I LIVE IN FEAR! what the fuck. stupid me. i must let it go (or at least in order to go to the pureland).
Buddhism says one shouldnt have fear in one's heart.
gdnite edmund!
Friday, April 18, 2008
back!
yes, i almost forgot i have this blog.
i been in a tizzy for a bit. actually, it's not new. i know ppl know i m in a tizzy but i realised that many people do not realyl understand or know me at all. it's disappointing. but to have people not understand u and hold it against you; i.e, misunderstand you and steer away, then i find it quite difficult to accept.
regardless...i was reading soemthing about forgiveness that day. i dunno y. but of late, i have been receiving 'gifts' of sorts; the 4D, the signs i have been seeing - the 2 pigeons nestled in the grass, the strange vacant lift that waits for me at my block, the realisatio that some ppl in my life are really my 'guardian' angels - my mom and roland, who have always been by my side, something i dun quite understand because sometimes, i do think that i'm quite rotten to the core yet they're like godsend, and yes, in many ways,i dont deserve them and the only way i can rationalise their presence is that they're here to guide me - show me the right path. indeed, i am most fortunate. i read somewhere today about an analogy about how a man drowns because he wanted to wait for God, but really, God had come by in the disguise of fisherman, which the drowned man had passed up the chance to be saved by him.
last night, i met another person, a taxi drive whom i spoke to and wanted to help initially but later, turned out that he 'ENLIGHTENED' me instead; speaking to me about the buddhist-like teachings he had learned on his own - he said he is a FREE THINKER.
then, i think about my own mistakes in life; the huge huge mistakes and bad karma but i think to myself, maybe it's true, i should stop feeling guilty, STOP FEELING GUILTY and start learning to FORGIVE and forgive OTHERS at the same time, and also that, perhaps my mistakes were what had 'opened' my eyes to see what i had done and what i SHOULD DO in future.
i wrote down the names of all the people who i hate/disliked, yesterday and i sat at a kopitiam, feeling sad, down, almost teary at one point as i listened to No Air by Jordin Sparks. then, i wrote down and tried to come up with the names of 30 over people who had helped me too; whose kindness was only during a moment but something that i remembered. in that sense, i have relived their kindness once again and they have come to my rescue once again. i thk you all.
there was a positive thought; i think i might want to become a HOUSING AGENT! hehehe. 1k$ per month is also bette rthan nothing. :)
i been in a tizzy for a bit. actually, it's not new. i know ppl know i m in a tizzy but i realised that many people do not realyl understand or know me at all. it's disappointing. but to have people not understand u and hold it against you; i.e, misunderstand you and steer away, then i find it quite difficult to accept.
regardless...i was reading soemthing about forgiveness that day. i dunno y. but of late, i have been receiving 'gifts' of sorts; the 4D, the signs i have been seeing - the 2 pigeons nestled in the grass, the strange vacant lift that waits for me at my block, the realisatio that some ppl in my life are really my 'guardian' angels - my mom and roland, who have always been by my side, something i dun quite understand because sometimes, i do think that i'm quite rotten to the core yet they're like godsend, and yes, in many ways,i dont deserve them and the only way i can rationalise their presence is that they're here to guide me - show me the right path. indeed, i am most fortunate. i read somewhere today about an analogy about how a man drowns because he wanted to wait for God, but really, God had come by in the disguise of fisherman, which the drowned man had passed up the chance to be saved by him.
last night, i met another person, a taxi drive whom i spoke to and wanted to help initially but later, turned out that he 'ENLIGHTENED' me instead; speaking to me about the buddhist-like teachings he had learned on his own - he said he is a FREE THINKER.
then, i think about my own mistakes in life; the huge huge mistakes and bad karma but i think to myself, maybe it's true, i should stop feeling guilty, STOP FEELING GUILTY and start learning to FORGIVE and forgive OTHERS at the same time, and also that, perhaps my mistakes were what had 'opened' my eyes to see what i had done and what i SHOULD DO in future.
i wrote down the names of all the people who i hate/disliked, yesterday and i sat at a kopitiam, feeling sad, down, almost teary at one point as i listened to No Air by Jordin Sparks. then, i wrote down and tried to come up with the names of 30 over people who had helped me too; whose kindness was only during a moment but something that i remembered. in that sense, i have relived their kindness once again and they have come to my rescue once again. i thk you all.
there was a positive thought; i think i might want to become a HOUSING AGENT! hehehe. 1k$ per month is also bette rthan nothing. :)
Monday, March 17, 2008
disillusioned
i feel q disillusioned today.
spoke to my best friend. she didnt 'quite need me' these past two weeks. why? because she went home to her mom. i am seeing a trend - she only calls me to whine and the only reason, i feel, is that she needs an outlet.
honestly, i m sick of it. the rest of it, i know what she does and i'm not going to air it here but i'm frankly quite sick of it. i hate people taking me for granted. it's something i won't tolerate and i will frankly, drop whoever who tries that w me. including that idiot reece.
fuck her.
i think i'm the only one who reads my blog. lol
i went to the national library today; it was ok lah. quite quiet. actually, TOO quiet. went to chinatown. saw chinese prostitutes; male and female. it was rather interesting watching them, i found.
the chinese girls are quite coy and the male prostitutes, from china, are really TALL and not that goodlooking but have a rather exotic look.
anyway, i didnt wnat them to think that i'm a 'prostitute' competing w them too; or whatever lah, so i quickly left.
i went to my cousin to have my teeth checked. she did an x-ray of my teeth and she said that i had MANY HOLES IN MY MOUTH. i got q depressed cos i feel insecure. ALL MY LIFE i've felt INSECURE. i dont know why but perhaps, and most likely, i realised that it was because of my father's death. it had always dogged me and i have never quite let go of it; or rather, this demon has never let me go.
i felt insecure again. i feel inseure all e time. but someone once said that what's e point of thinking so far ahead. life is so short and all these worries will get me nowhere. that's what i learned from buddhism. perhaps it's called being frivolous. but perhaps that's e reality of life; that we cannot contorl a lot of things and ultimately, we have to let go of the worries and just continue. this is how survivors make it, isnt it? through concentration camp internment, etc...internment in that tiny box in prison,e tc
spoke to my best friend. she didnt 'quite need me' these past two weeks. why? because she went home to her mom. i am seeing a trend - she only calls me to whine and the only reason, i feel, is that she needs an outlet.
honestly, i m sick of it. the rest of it, i know what she does and i'm not going to air it here but i'm frankly quite sick of it. i hate people taking me for granted. it's something i won't tolerate and i will frankly, drop whoever who tries that w me. including that idiot reece.
fuck her.
i think i'm the only one who reads my blog. lol
i went to the national library today; it was ok lah. quite quiet. actually, TOO quiet. went to chinatown. saw chinese prostitutes; male and female. it was rather interesting watching them, i found.
the chinese girls are quite coy and the male prostitutes, from china, are really TALL and not that goodlooking but have a rather exotic look.
anyway, i didnt wnat them to think that i'm a 'prostitute' competing w them too; or whatever lah, so i quickly left.
i went to my cousin to have my teeth checked. she did an x-ray of my teeth and she said that i had MANY HOLES IN MY MOUTH. i got q depressed cos i feel insecure. ALL MY LIFE i've felt INSECURE. i dont know why but perhaps, and most likely, i realised that it was because of my father's death. it had always dogged me and i have never quite let go of it; or rather, this demon has never let me go.
i felt insecure again. i feel inseure all e time. but someone once said that what's e point of thinking so far ahead. life is so short and all these worries will get me nowhere. that's what i learned from buddhism. perhaps it's called being frivolous. but perhaps that's e reality of life; that we cannot contorl a lot of things and ultimately, we have to let go of the worries and just continue. this is how survivors make it, isnt it? through concentration camp internment, etc...internment in that tiny box in prison,e tc
Friday, March 14, 2008
i feel so bitter
so damn bitter. bitter bitter bitter....................................................................................
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)