feelings...

of warmth, sadness, irony and a sense of helplessness, expressed in this song by Lin Qi Yu. called replacement. lovely. think it's really great.

feeling kinda tired today. thots swirling again. actually not much. realised that when i m sick, the thots go away. cos the focus is on my ailments/discomfort.

suddenly, realised that hell is really a place in e head. that's y the Buddha taught us about the mind. how impt it is: heaven is just a step away, perhaps, since hell can be a plae that u inhibit in your mind.

terrible.

this sng makes me think about khong. khong beng hwee. the times in e army camp. i miss u. not so much anymore. but somehow, when i think about u, altho it was a sad time in my life, yet, i smile when i think of u. about how u smile, your lips. u know khong, i really hope to see u again someday. to meetu again. many a time, i think about how u look now: uncle, with tummy, haggard, having lost the beauty i had been so used to seeing u, the red red lips, the way you pat me on my head, etc.

i dont really wish that u loved me, mabe because i already knew that u did not. but in some ways, i wanted that vague loving kindness u had for me. i was thinking to myself: that if u did loved me, and we became a couple, what would happen today? we would have gone our separate ways? that we would be an open relationship kinda couple. maybe. probably.

but the way we parted; that open, empty way, just like e tarmac that fell away from the road, is how it ended for u and me.

khong, khong khong...suddenly ith ink about the past times. it's like, my good old days, about being besotted, that kind of innocent love, is over. so so over. it's over. wil never be able to recapture it again. even tho i used to say that i could. but in e end, i doubted i would have. it's gone.

now what would i give the world for? hmm...i dunno, really. maybe for immortality. it would make me rest in my heart. perhaps not, knowing how anxious i felt. i'd be fretting about how i would live alone, and how i would go on and on. hahaha.

maybe happiness. it's the most direct, and best way of achieving it. tat's why all you need is just to 'FEEL' the happiness, and u will be happy. yes, i think that's v true. give up everything else in your heart; all worries, pain, discomfort, etc, and happiness will land on your head, if u just keenly call out to it. it's like that lovely dove that u can call out to.

FUCK YOU!

I DONT WANT TO DIE!¬ I DONT WANT TO DIE! I DONT WANT TO DIE!

FUCK YOU ALL
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKF CUCK FF CUFIFKLC FOYYOU ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

good thoughts today

1) sorted out most of the office shit
2) finished w another section of my novel
3) didn't hear all that fuckshit in my ear in e train/in bus way home (147)
4) thot a lot about the happy times in majorca, egypt and the power of good thots
5) weight didn't go down compared to yesterday

second day - tinnitus or whatever it is

i sat in office. today felt bit better. but later, when i went out, i sorta felt worse. i dunno if i will really ever feel better.

i felt both e worse and the best.
i felt that i will die soon. but if i were to die feeling so well, i didn't mind. but of course i would. at the same time, i was hearing e buzzing while in e office boardroom listening to the fucking old fart talk shit, i thot to myself that i want to think good thots and be happy and want to start to desire again. want so many things. because i realise that i've been feeling down and sian for sometime now that i dun even realise it...

i started to think about majorca. i want to go back to that place w duh. i miss him so much. i missed the beautiful murals, wonderful feel of the old town, walking in e maze-like streets, savouring e atmosphere during siesta, admiring the ice white notre dame of majorca, etc

i just miss all of them i realise. now, it's just nothing but me alone here, doing all this shit. i just hate everywhere cos it's so fucking packed. i miss having peace, slowly being able to recover but then, i doubt it'll ever happen. this can only happen in my head and i must be able to do that on my own. but i doubt it will. i dunno what to say because honestly, i feel lousy now. very very lousy.

edmund, pls get well. pls dont have cancer, or tumour, or kidney problem or leukemia or other nerve problem or diabetes, etc

just be good. be happy.

ringing/droning/buzzing in my ear

i dunno what's wrong w me or my life. i hear this thing in my head the past 2 days, includinglast fri and i worry about a tumour in my head/neck/face, leukaemia, kidney problem/failure, etc. it frightens me. tremendously.

my whole life is in fear. i dunno what will happen. or if my strength will grow. i'd rather not have to undergo such adversity in order to learn that kinda strength.

i dunno. so many thots. swirling. that vortex. tommrow i wanted to take leave. now i cant. i dunno y. maybe there is a purpose. hopefuly, it isnt a medical one. i m afraid. frightened. petrified. i dunno y. it's just that life is so full of uncertainty and i see nothing but darkness, pitch black, a liquid so dark it's swirling, waiting to wrap itself around me and swallowing my whole. it is awful, to know that one is sliding inot that zone, that place where u will not return, to become nothing, to return to nothingness. it is awful. is it?

i dunno. dunno anymore. i fear for my loved ones, i fear for myself. i fear.

today...

wasnt as awful as yesterday or the day before but just that my stomach is awful. bloated, gassy. etc

anyway, now reading bio of yves saintlaurent. i relaly hope to get in to the MA program of my choice. sick of this stupid job. hate it hate it.

ok, i dun quite hate it. just restless. i dunno. i was telling a friend that day that i CARICATURISE myself, which means that i make myself out to be someone larger than life, more hurtful than ppl think.

in that sense, annie, i think you've disappointed me tremendously. u've judged me. i'm sorry you did.

anyway, why am i talking about annie again.

ok. ohmmmmmmm.....let e past go. haha

let me see, what else do i want to say?
that life is short; that being at 35, i m jittery about dying already. and i really hope not to n should be quick to just move on to DO THINGS and NOT WASTE TIME. yes, that's what i m doing everyday: writing my novel. today, i checked it out. felt that the content wasn't that bad, as i had made it out to be, or felt it t be. perhaps it'll be a gem when i put it together? yes, i hope so. :)

love and kisses to u edmund,
love and kisses,
edmund (haha)

now reading the bio of Yves Saint Laurent.