another day of bullshit

i woke up this hearing the fucking knock-knock sound. my bf got up and of course, did i.

aiyah, i dunno what to say now. except that i m feeling very frustrated of late. how? what should i do about my fucking life in paris???

my cds is going to expire, my plans for my immigratio here is going into the air since i cant even get my cds soon. NOTHING WORKS IN PARIS, FRANCE! that's for sure. and people here are all so rude and lazy. i want to have as little as possible to do w frenchies. and my taiwanese friend actually said to me: "tu es trop sensible"

IS ASKING FOR DCENT MANNERS BEING SENSITIVE????????? PLEASE!

i just want something decent. i feel depressed living in paris. i feel sian. i feel depressed.

titleless

Hmm.... i havent updated this in a bit. But i was just thinking that i'm so unbalanced lately. thanks to fucking france. the great country of great human rights. spit. retch. FUCK YOU FRANCE.

western democracies are hypocrites. full of em. their whole idea of 'oh, i must give you this right and that" but when push comes to shove, they turn around and say: "oh, out you go, oh you're of a different skin colour from me" and the whole slew.

i just think that westerners are hypocrites. i hate them all. i hate them all. i hate them all.

I HATE YOU ALL.

i m not in love with france anymore

i m writing this because i m not in love with france anymore.

FRANCE M'AIME PAS. JE T'AIME PAS AUSSI.

FRANCE, tu me decois. I am growing sick and tired of you. you are just shit. i hate you. because you dont like me. i aint no refugee but your uneducated peasants who work in those huge machines of prefectures, are stupid, dumb, uneducated and just horribly rude.

i dont love you anymore france.

Pierre Herme

I dashed off to starbux and did my writing. then back to the apartment. my routine is usually from 2-5pm and then i dashed back to my lovely apartment. before i dashed off to st germain des pres to Pierre Herme.
and i got myself DESIR.

check out this picture. it looks so comme-ci comme-ca.

i was standing in line, just by e edge of the store, and then, there was this guy standing in front; speaking english mostly with smatterings of francais. boy was he pretentious, talking about this and that and speaking so INCREDIBLY LOUD. i think that's just really in bad taste and he was just going on and on to this lady next to him, who was a lot more civil (and quieter); but then, who will have a voice when they're a booming one next to your ear.

the staff at Pierre Herme were really polite and nice; even offering napkins (do you need one?). i said no, in english cos my french still sucks. a whole cake there costs, at least like, 35 euros. crazy prices.

i bot this and ran!

hopefully it'll taste nice -> i really preferred the chocolate ones but duh has been saying "chocolate again?"

one of e greatest disappointments in my life are...

my friends.

fucking disappointment.

there are so many ppl i invested in. and i continually did so. but until the past few years, so many of the friendships died. also, becos i dumped quite a few. started w bernice han. god, fucking butch. then, reece. another fucking cunt. then, annie, whom i thot was a good pal. disappointment - to thk that someone would think so horribly of me without knwing the meaning of caricaturising, jacq, fucking loser - reece thinks u're shit yet you're still askin for her to splash it on ur face, and now li ying ping. oh god, dunno where to start.

i guess, the journey was solitary anyhow, it was my own journey and now, it's just beginning again - dunno endig?. anyway, i feel disappointed. but i realised that they were never real. it was just wishful thinking on my end. pity. the delusion happened so long and i never realised it.

but it made me seesomething. life is all illusion; i used to bask in the warmth of friendship but they werent' REAL. andnow,i feel e insecurity but this is reality. yet, feeling warmth is also real, if i think it. therefore, perception is as real as it gets, if only i can make myself feel that way.

i aspire to be truly independent. not dependent on other people or friends.

i hate those people i mentioned above. i want to vanquish them from my life. i want them out. i want every memory of them erased. i want to leave them behind. no more.

midlife crisis

i seriously think i m having some kind of midlife crisis.

it's strange. over years, it's alwas like that; i get some kind of difficult period, incredibly hard and terrible, awful torture. then later, better.

in short, ups and downs.

just that this down has been going on for so long - past 2 years, really - that i can't tell anymore.

now, i find it hard to go on, it's like, i feel nothing, there is nothing that can let me go on, move on. there is so much that is troubling me, i realise.

1) racist thing
2) friendships
3) insecurity, per se
4) aimlessness
5) stomach discomfort/fear of death

in short, ALL THESE FUCKING THINGS ARE HAUNTING ME. day and night. i realise that they're quit e abig chunk. why does this have to happen to me? i dont understand. it's unfair. other people just get on w their lives and i have to deal with this FUCKING SHIT everyday. FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING SHIT, day in day out. EVERYSINGLEFUCKINDAY

it's so unfair. why does this not happen to bad people? why does this not happen to other people that i dont give a fucking shit about or dont care for?

first up, i hate angmohs. i just want to move on and dont think of it. second, friendships. i feel so disappointed. reece is a fucking cunt, bernice is another one, jacq is another one, then, annie is a pure disappointment, and now, li ying ping. shits. all of them.

if you are reading this and you're one of them, yes, you're shit.

insecurity, quite a lot of it. i feel afraid of it, in general, as a result of these fake friendships that disappeared. i know now, for a fact, that they were never there for me from e start.

aimlessness, that's another one. i feel empty, nothingness, just devoid of direction. why? how do i start to cherish myself? i donnt. i want to know.

and last but not least, my stomach discomfort. what do i do with it? it's been 2 years over. i dunno how to rid of it. i want to rid of it. i dont want to die. i dont want to die younger than 70. i just want to be happy. happy without the stupid discomfort in my stomach. pls pls pls. GOD TAK EIT AWAY!

thoughts

thinking of about how i should release all the negative energy. and just move on. and stop harbouring anger. stop stop stop. i think i've let them go but i haven't because that's e reason why i keep tihnking that ppl are doing this to me, eg yingping is treating me like she is making use of me, or how people always who are slow or stupid, are conspiring to give me hell.

anger

anger is because i hate the world. hate hate hate.

i looked out for the horrible things. the awful things. to catch them. to show and hold it up; and say "see! it's here. it's indeed ROTTEN!". but i m wrong. i m wrong, wrong. it's not the right way to live life.

life should be led in another way. through peace. through love. warmth.

feelings...

of warmth, sadness, irony and a sense of helplessness, expressed in this song by Lin Qi Yu. called replacement. lovely. think it's really great.

feeling kinda tired today. thots swirling again. actually not much. realised that when i m sick, the thots go away. cos the focus is on my ailments/discomfort.

suddenly, realised that hell is really a place in e head. that's y the Buddha taught us about the mind. how impt it is: heaven is just a step away, perhaps, since hell can be a plae that u inhibit in your mind.

terrible.

this sng makes me think about khong. khong beng hwee. the times in e army camp. i miss u. not so much anymore. but somehow, when i think about u, altho it was a sad time in my life, yet, i smile when i think of u. about how u smile, your lips. u know khong, i really hope to see u again someday. to meetu again. many a time, i think about how u look now: uncle, with tummy, haggard, having lost the beauty i had been so used to seeing u, the red red lips, the way you pat me on my head, etc.

i dont really wish that u loved me, mabe because i already knew that u did not. but in some ways, i wanted that vague loving kindness u had for me. i was thinking to myself: that if u did loved me, and we became a couple, what would happen today? we would have gone our separate ways? that we would be an open relationship kinda couple. maybe. probably.

but the way we parted; that open, empty way, just like e tarmac that fell away from the road, is how it ended for u and me.

khong, khong khong...suddenly ith ink about the past times. it's like, my good old days, about being besotted, that kind of innocent love, is over. so so over. it's over. wil never be able to recapture it again. even tho i used to say that i could. but in e end, i doubted i would have. it's gone.

now what would i give the world for? hmm...i dunno, really. maybe for immortality. it would make me rest in my heart. perhaps not, knowing how anxious i felt. i'd be fretting about how i would live alone, and how i would go on and on. hahaha.

maybe happiness. it's the most direct, and best way of achieving it. tat's why all you need is just to 'FEEL' the happiness, and u will be happy. yes, i think that's v true. give up everything else in your heart; all worries, pain, discomfort, etc, and happiness will land on your head, if u just keenly call out to it. it's like that lovely dove that u can call out to.

FUCK YOU!

I DONT WANT TO DIE!¬ I DONT WANT TO DIE! I DONT WANT TO DIE!

FUCK YOU ALL
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKF CUCK FF CUFIFKLC FOYYOU ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

good thoughts today

1) sorted out most of the office shit
2) finished w another section of my novel
3) didn't hear all that fuckshit in my ear in e train/in bus way home (147)
4) thot a lot about the happy times in majorca, egypt and the power of good thots
5) weight didn't go down compared to yesterday

second day - tinnitus or whatever it is

i sat in office. today felt bit better. but later, when i went out, i sorta felt worse. i dunno if i will really ever feel better.

i felt both e worse and the best.
i felt that i will die soon. but if i were to die feeling so well, i didn't mind. but of course i would. at the same time, i was hearing e buzzing while in e office boardroom listening to the fucking old fart talk shit, i thot to myself that i want to think good thots and be happy and want to start to desire again. want so many things. because i realise that i've been feeling down and sian for sometime now that i dun even realise it...

i started to think about majorca. i want to go back to that place w duh. i miss him so much. i missed the beautiful murals, wonderful feel of the old town, walking in e maze-like streets, savouring e atmosphere during siesta, admiring the ice white notre dame of majorca, etc

i just miss all of them i realise. now, it's just nothing but me alone here, doing all this shit. i just hate everywhere cos it's so fucking packed. i miss having peace, slowly being able to recover but then, i doubt it'll ever happen. this can only happen in my head and i must be able to do that on my own. but i doubt it will. i dunno what to say because honestly, i feel lousy now. very very lousy.

edmund, pls get well. pls dont have cancer, or tumour, or kidney problem or leukemia or other nerve problem or diabetes, etc

just be good. be happy.

ringing/droning/buzzing in my ear

i dunno what's wrong w me or my life. i hear this thing in my head the past 2 days, includinglast fri and i worry about a tumour in my head/neck/face, leukaemia, kidney problem/failure, etc. it frightens me. tremendously.

my whole life is in fear. i dunno what will happen. or if my strength will grow. i'd rather not have to undergo such adversity in order to learn that kinda strength.

i dunno. so many thots. swirling. that vortex. tommrow i wanted to take leave. now i cant. i dunno y. maybe there is a purpose. hopefuly, it isnt a medical one. i m afraid. frightened. petrified. i dunno y. it's just that life is so full of uncertainty and i see nothing but darkness, pitch black, a liquid so dark it's swirling, waiting to wrap itself around me and swallowing my whole. it is awful, to know that one is sliding inot that zone, that place where u will not return, to become nothing, to return to nothingness. it is awful. is it?

i dunno. dunno anymore. i fear for my loved ones, i fear for myself. i fear.

today...

wasnt as awful as yesterday or the day before but just that my stomach is awful. bloated, gassy. etc

anyway, now reading bio of yves saintlaurent. i relaly hope to get in to the MA program of my choice. sick of this stupid job. hate it hate it.

ok, i dun quite hate it. just restless. i dunno. i was telling a friend that day that i CARICATURISE myself, which means that i make myself out to be someone larger than life, more hurtful than ppl think.

in that sense, annie, i think you've disappointed me tremendously. u've judged me. i'm sorry you did.

anyway, why am i talking about annie again.

ok. ohmmmmmmm.....let e past go. haha

let me see, what else do i want to say?
that life is short; that being at 35, i m jittery about dying already. and i really hope not to n should be quick to just move on to DO THINGS and NOT WASTE TIME. yes, that's what i m doing everyday: writing my novel. today, i checked it out. felt that the content wasn't that bad, as i had made it out to be, or felt it t be. perhaps it'll be a gem when i put it together? yes, i hope so. :)

love and kisses to u edmund,
love and kisses,
edmund (haha)

now reading the bio of Yves Saint Laurent.

today...awful

felt really shitty in e morning. felt as if i couldnt get to work. i mean i went to work but i sat in e office cubicle, feeling that i couldnt get to work.

i really couldn't take it. i hate my colleagues. i dun hate them lah, just dislike them. dunno what's wrong w them. they are so aloof. they are like, abnormal ppl who are so reserved, as if someone abused them or soemthing, aiyoh.

and i hate my work. it sux loh. i mean, my office environment not a bad place; i relax relax and also dun have much to do - NOW. but then, i just hate the monotony, the boredom of the work, so dull, so plain, nothing interesting - i mean, LIFE SCIENCES - how interesting is that?

i just have to bide my time. wait and wait and wait. until that day when i can finally leave. when would that be? a comfortable time would be in August, just after my drving test. then i would have saved sufficiently to leave for france. if i leave for france.

i want out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want to go back to magazine publishing, etc

i dunno leh. maybe i m crazy.

i will b miserableee even if i went to paris...

because i carry 'hell' with me and i have carried that baggage of OCD over the past years WITHOUT realising that it's been plaguing me and i must LET GO and STOP this obsessive fucking stupid SHIT, and STOP allowing my karma t CONTINUE to plague my LIFE and my mom's and roland's becaus ei will continue to CREATE BAD KARMA by LOSING MY TEMPER with others as long as i let my STUPID FUCKING FUCKING IDIOTIIC OCD GO ON.

I MUST FUCKING STOP!!

meeting brother bhante kovida

today i met him. it was a nice experience. i would say that i normally didnt found the experience of meeting someone of higher spiritual level very intimidating, even stultifying. but later on, as i warmed up to him as he did to me - we spent 4 hours talking! - i realised that he was very casual and very approachable and i appreciated that tremendously.

i feel very grateful to him. that he bothered to even meet a stranger like me. and he spoke to me about many things. i really hope that i can learn qi gong from him and meditation. he did teach me meditative approaches like the laotian one that a laotian monk taught him.

we shared many things, and there were too many things to put down here. i guess, i 'm just tired from the exchange too and that today, my mind was too agitated to be able to calm down, or be happy. but i want to and i want to.

i hope to help him or be of use to him the way he has been to me. :)

thank you brother bhante.

may you be well and happy
may you be peaceful and calm
may you be well and healthy
may you be protected from danger and suffering.

on a differnet note, i've been feeling very disturbed again.
feel agitated becos of my weight thing.
mrning i weighed bout 69.9kg. ysterday morning, without food or water about 69.3kg - SEE i'm becoming OBSESSIVE!
at night, just after drinking, altho still short of about 250g of water, i weighed 67.7kg. i have to tell myself that my weight is in the same region as before and that i must STOP being unhappy and insecure, as I HAD BEEN AT WARWICK.

i DONT WANT TO BE THIS UNHAPPY when i get to paris and i must OVERCOME this fear and insecurity because it's RUINING my happiness and by letting this RUIN my hapiness, i m LETTING MY MOTHER AND PARTNER DOWN.

also, as my neurosis is not just about weight - it's about MY LIFE. because i used to have this neurosis and it was about gym, etc but now, i'm still ALLOWING IT TO RUIN MY HAPPINESS.
EDMUND, STOP BEING A FUCKING IDIOT. grow up and stop thinking obsessively about your weight because it's the FUCKING SAME.

e floodgates of joy opened today at Simei foodcourt

i sat by the foodcourt and ate my food, wondering why I couldnt really enjoy my food. later, when i finished my meal, i was trying to read but could not quite focus. then i realised...

i was happy.

happiness was not the 2-sec, in-a-dribble affair. this time, the floodgates opened. and i really could feel the energy surging through me, engulfing my being. really loved it. i thot to myself: this is what it is, the feeling of not needing distractions, of being open to nothing but this sensation/emotion and not needing anyone or any opiate (love or distraction).

this is called happiness.

why?
i think i just felt at peace. after going to see my TCM doctor, i just felt that i could be at ease, just like the after effect of meditation. i could sit there, without having to meditate yet i felt truly happy. really happy. just without needing anything else. this is prehaps the state i should strive for. and then i think to myself: maybe this could be what i am doing in future - just being alone and being just happy.

but it won't be easy. that feeling left later. i think it's the distractions; the PEOPLE, the passing thoughts, the anger, etc, which clouded the anger, or rather, sent my 'happiness' packing.

i strive to achieve this more in future.

my TCM doctor today said something strange to me: "if u dont get cured after this round of medication, perhaps you should go see someone who's better."

my face fell. or ratehr, my heart, not my face. i lost faith in him, i said surely u dont mean u can't cure me. is it that my case is serious???

he said NO. ur case is not a big/serious case at all. then? he just said he felt bad for making me go to him yet he could not cure me yet. i felt even more surprised he said that.

later, he saw my dismay and said, dont worry, "wo yi ding yao ba ni zhi hao!" - verbatim.

i asked him how long it takes ppl to get cured. he said 3 months should be all right.
i dont know. i really dont know how long it'll take me.

anyhow, later, i spoke to the nurse outside. she said that he always spoke to people like this. this lack of confidence?? anyway, she said if it helped me, i should continue and not let this affect me.

maybe i wanted security from him. not maybe. definitely. i can't help NOT thinking ahead, that in a month's time, if he doesnt cure me, then i'm like, incurable?

i hope not. but life is like this, innit. it's just full of stuff that might happen ahead but we only choose to worry about what we can worry cos that's only what we can do! but does it mean that life is more secure? NO WAY. it's just a kind of quixotism.

i must strive to let go. to be above fear. to stop fearing. i must.

now on my thoughts:
1) weight loss
2) fear of not recovering - gallstones
3) fear of not staying in this job and getting enough $
4) fear of not passing HIV and Hep C test
5) health fears for my loved ones
6) fear of not getting into university paris diderot.

so many! w e f!!

i will try my best not to think of them...

talking and yakking

havent been in here for about10 days? i realised...
been sick a couple of days.

my weight again! bugging me.

the 2nd day, i weighed myself: 68kg at home.

the 1st day, i was 67.3kg

the 2nd day, i was 67.5kg

TODAY, i am 67.1kg.

f£$^...sigh. i lost weight! so sian.

maybe i didnt. maybe i did. aiyah, i dunno leh, feel sian. worried.

realise that everyday, i have been preoccupied about my weight and my girth. each day, i feel that my weight is dropping because my pants are so LOOSE.

1) am i really losing weight?
- 67.5kg to 68kg to 67kg. about same?

Does thinking about my weight or thinking about my weight INCREASE IT?
- NO.

so? STOP THINKING ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT.

fears?
- fear that my weight will keep dropping.

what will it do for me if i keep thinking abot my weight?
- NOTHING. -> same goes for if i go to paris and what has happened over past 2 years at warwick, etc....it is torment.

edmund u must STOP.

is there evidence that your weight fluctuates over past 2 years?

YES. it DINGDONGS UP AND DOWN. but in the end, it's still very much e same? -> think luton, warwick, etc

therefore, STOP FREAKING OUT.

on a different note, i want to do other things.
i want to get in to Uni of Paris and be happy!
i want to save enough till ... yippee!
i want to be happy! just happy!
i m praying...