confronting your fear

can i do it? i dont want to continue to 'run', distract, escape.

i've been trying to escape for years, since SIM days when i hung out w friends, etc.

now i think it's time to stop running.

i think for years, it's like, i've been always trying to 'hold onto' someone to protect me from e ghosts who are reaching out their hands from e shadows.

the shadows are those pockets of time where i m alone; truly, especially when at sleep, or before i drift off to sleep. but then, once i m alone, they come, attack me.

imust find a way to stop them; to fend them off so that they won't come again. they will forvever be banished.

fuck ghosts.

morbid shdow

another day has passed. not a day goes by without my feeling the shadows of morbidity.
feel that somehow, something is wrong w my body, specifically my stomach. that i'm susceptible to cancer.

i wrote to a friend just now, telling her my thoughts; that why is it that i prayed so hard to the Gods and the Buddha and that my prayers are not answered - specifically, y e pain and discofmort hasnt gone away.

so wouldnt that mean taht all my prayers are bogus, that the Gods and evertyhing is not real, that they are just a figment of my own imaginationa nd that they dont quite exist and that everything is mere coincidence, whether gd or bad.

therefore, in such circumstances, shoudlnt i be guided by a lack of morals, and i should go about and do whatever fuck i wanna do. that means that i shouldnt give a fuck about people's feelings, or about morality in terms of doing whatever fuck i wanna; wheter sex or money or stealing or any possible fuck u can tihnk of.

i m kind tempted. already i believe incerasingly that the material life is the only life; that there is nothing above that cos i've tried it and apparently it doesnt work. so in e event of impending death, we just wait to be put out like a pathetic bonfire.

it's 10.15pm now.

i wrot emy friend too that ironically, i m always in search of something to ELUDE myself; anything to distrac tme from me. and then, isnt that as good as dying? isnt that like, death? to die is to lose your selfconsciousness and i just feel that that's what i've been pursuing all these years. so WHY E FUCK AM I SO FRIGHTENED OF DEATH? WHY AM I SO AFRAID TO DIE?

i don't know. it's easy for my ex counsellor, hui ping to say : "think...so what if you do hav cacncer?"

"i don't konw. fear."

"and?"

"scared loh," i say.

"scared but still? you have to face it right? you ahve to accept it right?"

yes, i agree w her. but somehow, i just suddenly understand that part of myself; that really, i'm a fucking irony. maybe it's just e pain i dun want. how wonderful would that b? it's like dying in your sleep. i think that'd be ideal.

my best friend...

called me today. i m glad. she said yada yada yada about many things; that she hasnt been doing what i thought she was doing. glad to hear her say that about me.

anyway, i have not been doing much these past few days. i think i have to focus on my novel . the gist of it; to finsih e fucking thing.

i'm looking forward to two new movies that will come my way. FLANDERS and another one, i forgot. haha.

must focus on good things. wonderful things.

1) went gym today
2) didn't feel so ill today; felt better in terms of my 'flu' yesterday
3) stomach felt better today than yesterday
4) spoke to my best friend today who 'allayed' my fears
5) there was SUNSHINE today
6) did a fair bit of writing on my novel today

i'm leaving next week for somewhere, dunno where yet. my friend will tell me where we're going. but we're going for about 5 days. yes, i do think that i'm so globetrotter.

actually, next year, i might be moving to paris. my brother's there and my sister-in-law and i'm really looking forward to it.

laying the blame

i know that i have a part to blame. but there are those who ought to take e blame too.

if i get cancer, it's because of three persons:

1) mr yong who fucking pissed me off last year
2) mr fucking chao chee bye pinoy( fuckyou fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you...goes on)
3) mr fucking chao angmoh E W (fuck you and your bf and your and your bf and on and on)

now i feel so fucking absolutely miserable becos of my stomach. i wonder why.

is there a GOD? if there is, please help me and help rid of this stupid pain and discomfort and gas in my stomach. i just want it to go and i dont want cancer.

zui lang man de shi

strange how time flies.

i m listening to this song by zhao yong hua. it reminds me of that time when i was in army. 92-94. feels like an entire universe ago. it's strange, somehow, i remembered that period as an extremely traumatic period yet there was pockets, when i feel even reminiscent.

it was the particular nights during that time when at night, i missed someone very much. it was a wonderfully, pure love. i dunno if its love but i knew that the affection was pure.

how do you explain about jsut desiring to be with someone; to be near there, to see their eyes, to hope that they would only look at you for that moment, only to have them come into your office or room to look for you to say hi, to say nothing. to just be together. to be in their presence.

lovely.

i remembered that night when i was lying in the vehicle and that outside, there was the giant grandfather clock hanging in the sky, and it was cold. so we retired into the vehicle and just stayed there, lying on our backs, one arm behind our heads, one leg crossed over the other. no gazes between us, just looking up at the ceiling of that vehicle and we just do nothing but hear each other's breathes. then you turn to me and look at me and asked me matter-of-factly questions like, "are you feeling hot?" or "do you want a mat?".

but the next day, once the sun came up, it was all over.

sigh...i still remember those times when we hung out in the dormitory and we did nothing but hung out. at nights in the dusty corridors, as the wind whistled through the windows in the empty rooms, there were only 2 persons in this world, and two hearts. yours and mine.

you came into the room after your shower and then, lie down on the mattress, and just before bed, you'd put your hand on my head, give it a quick rub before saying "goodnight".

i wonder where u are now, as i listen to zui lang man de shi in my heart.

the most romantic thing in the world, is to grow old with you...

bishonen...i love you

This is one of my favourite movies - BISHONEN. absolutely love it love it.

found this song accidentally one day when surfing. wonderful japanese song.

walk on... kellie coffey

http://www.myspace.com/kelliecoffeyartistpage

check out this song by her. i liked it very much. i was at the airport charles de gaulle waiting for my flight to luton when i heard this from an mp3 phone from this frenchie sitting next to me

"excusez moi, qu'est ce cette chanson?" I asked him.

"walk on..." he replied.

go to the link above and you can hear the song.