morbid shdow

another day has passed. not a day goes by without my feeling the shadows of morbidity.
feel that somehow, something is wrong w my body, specifically my stomach. that i'm susceptible to cancer.

i wrote to a friend just now, telling her my thoughts; that why is it that i prayed so hard to the Gods and the Buddha and that my prayers are not answered - specifically, y e pain and discofmort hasnt gone away.

so wouldnt that mean taht all my prayers are bogus, that the Gods and evertyhing is not real, that they are just a figment of my own imaginationa nd that they dont quite exist and that everything is mere coincidence, whether gd or bad.

therefore, in such circumstances, shoudlnt i be guided by a lack of morals, and i should go about and do whatever fuck i wanna do. that means that i shouldnt give a fuck about people's feelings, or about morality in terms of doing whatever fuck i wanna; wheter sex or money or stealing or any possible fuck u can tihnk of.

i m kind tempted. already i believe incerasingly that the material life is the only life; that there is nothing above that cos i've tried it and apparently it doesnt work. so in e event of impending death, we just wait to be put out like a pathetic bonfire.

it's 10.15pm now.

i wrot emy friend too that ironically, i m always in search of something to ELUDE myself; anything to distrac tme from me. and then, isnt that as good as dying? isnt that like, death? to die is to lose your selfconsciousness and i just feel that that's what i've been pursuing all these years. so WHY E FUCK AM I SO FRIGHTENED OF DEATH? WHY AM I SO AFRAID TO DIE?

i don't know. it's easy for my ex counsellor, hui ping to say : "think...so what if you do hav cacncer?"

"i don't konw. fear."

"and?"

"scared loh," i say.

"scared but still? you have to face it right? you ahve to accept it right?"

yes, i agree w her. but somehow, i just suddenly understand that part of myself; that really, i'm a fucking irony. maybe it's just e pain i dun want. how wonderful would that b? it's like dying in your sleep. i think that'd be ideal.