i know the compassion in me...

is growing. certainly. quite sure of it.

but that serpent tongue of mine is still hanging around for a while longer. i still get a kick out of saying soemthing mean. what's wrong w me???

anyway, today, i went to my aunt's. then walked to dover mrt. the weather was kind of sucky. yucky. made my way into the train, sat next to someone who coughed quite badly and i left and went to antoehr carriage.

i walked to the kopitiam by e driving centre. had my meal. oh yes...i remember now. there was this maid or something, who SAT smack in my seat and by my table when i clearly had indicated that i had taken up the place there - i left my bag and my umbrella there. and of all the places she had to sit, she took mine.

maybe it's a test of patience of sorts. these days, i 'm looking for signs all the time. hahaha. yes, if it's a good one, why not? am i not right? after all, if u cheat urself just to make urself feel better, SURE, y not???

i didnt want to tell her off because i felt that i didnt have to. and that i should maintain my equanimity.

later, attended driving classes with a new instructor. yuck, i really dislike going to the group of men who own their own cars. yuck. it's disgusting. today's smelled liek the uncle had been farting in there for so long. and today, when doing my U-turn, i went up the fucking kerb. OMG. i should be ASHAMED F MESELF...keke.

later, had a bit of a migraine/headache and hung around the mrt station, cos my head was really hurting. then, went to holland v and sat down, and had kaya loti. and then, spoke to an auntie, who had a flu/cold. and i told her tips on what she should brew or drink in order to recover from her flu as wel as general upkeeping of one's pyhsical well-being tips. :) good me. hehe.

i think it's true indeed, helping others and being kind to others is very gratifying. but of course, i still find it difficult to do that to arrogant ppl. somehow, arrogant ppl make me feel that they are having a good time, therefore they shouldnt be helped and that they deserve to be made to feel like shit. well, that's a very erroneous view and i really hope to change that. :)

i have so many feaRS, etc; fear of not getting enough sleep, fear of not being well, fear of being stressed (As opposed to really being stressed - how FUCKING STUPID OF ME), fear of loved ones' not feeling well, fear of being poor, fear of being looked down upon, fear of financial instability, fear of instability. I LIVE IN FEAR! what the fuck. stupid me. i must let it go (or at least in order to go to the pureland).

Buddhism says one shouldnt have fear in one's heart.

gdnite edmund!

back!

yes, i almost forgot i have this blog.

i been in a tizzy for a bit. actually, it's not new. i know ppl know i m in a tizzy but i realised that many people do not realyl understand or know me at all. it's disappointing. but to have people not understand u and hold it against you; i.e, misunderstand you and steer away, then i find it quite difficult to accept.

regardless...i was reading soemthing about forgiveness that day. i dunno y. but of late, i have been receiving 'gifts' of sorts; the 4D, the signs i have been seeing - the 2 pigeons nestled in the grass, the strange vacant lift that waits for me at my block, the realisatio that some ppl in my life are really my 'guardian' angels - my mom and roland, who have always been by my side, something i dun quite understand because sometimes, i do think that i'm quite rotten to the core yet they're like godsend, and yes, in many ways,i dont deserve them and the only way i can rationalise their presence is that they're here to guide me - show me the right path. indeed, i am most fortunate. i read somewhere today about an analogy about how a man drowns because he wanted to wait for God, but really, God had come by in the disguise of fisherman, which the drowned man had passed up the chance to be saved by him.

last night, i met another person, a taxi drive whom i spoke to and wanted to help initially but later, turned out that he 'ENLIGHTENED' me instead; speaking to me about the buddhist-like teachings he had learned on his own - he said he is a FREE THINKER.

then, i think about my own mistakes in life; the huge huge mistakes and bad karma but i think to myself, maybe it's true, i should stop feeling guilty, STOP FEELING GUILTY and start learning to FORGIVE and forgive OTHERS at the same time, and also that, perhaps my mistakes were what had 'opened' my eyes to see what i had done and what i SHOULD DO in future.

i wrote down the names of all the people who i hate/disliked, yesterday and i sat at a kopitiam, feeling sad, down, almost teary at one point as i listened to No Air by Jordin Sparks. then, i wrote down and tried to come up with the names of 30 over people who had helped me too; whose kindness was only during a moment but something that i remembered. in that sense, i have relived their kindness once again and they have come to my rescue once again. i thk you all.

there was a positive thought; i think i might want to become a HOUSING AGENT! hehehe. 1k$ per month is also bette rthan nothing. :)