today...

wasnt as awful as yesterday or the day before but just that my stomach is awful. bloated, gassy. etc

anyway, now reading bio of yves saintlaurent. i relaly hope to get in to the MA program of my choice. sick of this stupid job. hate it hate it.

ok, i dun quite hate it. just restless. i dunno. i was telling a friend that day that i CARICATURISE myself, which means that i make myself out to be someone larger than life, more hurtful than ppl think.

in that sense, annie, i think you've disappointed me tremendously. u've judged me. i'm sorry you did.

anyway, why am i talking about annie again.

ok. ohmmmmmmm.....let e past go. haha

let me see, what else do i want to say?
that life is short; that being at 35, i m jittery about dying already. and i really hope not to n should be quick to just move on to DO THINGS and NOT WASTE TIME. yes, that's what i m doing everyday: writing my novel. today, i checked it out. felt that the content wasn't that bad, as i had made it out to be, or felt it t be. perhaps it'll be a gem when i put it together? yes, i hope so. :)

love and kisses to u edmund,
love and kisses,
edmund (haha)

now reading the bio of Yves Saint Laurent.

today...awful

felt really shitty in e morning. felt as if i couldnt get to work. i mean i went to work but i sat in e office cubicle, feeling that i couldnt get to work.

i really couldn't take it. i hate my colleagues. i dun hate them lah, just dislike them. dunno what's wrong w them. they are so aloof. they are like, abnormal ppl who are so reserved, as if someone abused them or soemthing, aiyoh.

and i hate my work. it sux loh. i mean, my office environment not a bad place; i relax relax and also dun have much to do - NOW. but then, i just hate the monotony, the boredom of the work, so dull, so plain, nothing interesting - i mean, LIFE SCIENCES - how interesting is that?

i just have to bide my time. wait and wait and wait. until that day when i can finally leave. when would that be? a comfortable time would be in August, just after my drving test. then i would have saved sufficiently to leave for france. if i leave for france.

i want out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want to go back to magazine publishing, etc

i dunno leh. maybe i m crazy.

i will b miserableee even if i went to paris...

because i carry 'hell' with me and i have carried that baggage of OCD over the past years WITHOUT realising that it's been plaguing me and i must LET GO and STOP this obsessive fucking stupid SHIT, and STOP allowing my karma t CONTINUE to plague my LIFE and my mom's and roland's becaus ei will continue to CREATE BAD KARMA by LOSING MY TEMPER with others as long as i let my STUPID FUCKING FUCKING IDIOTIIC OCD GO ON.

I MUST FUCKING STOP!!

meeting brother bhante kovida

today i met him. it was a nice experience. i would say that i normally didnt found the experience of meeting someone of higher spiritual level very intimidating, even stultifying. but later on, as i warmed up to him as he did to me - we spent 4 hours talking! - i realised that he was very casual and very approachable and i appreciated that tremendously.

i feel very grateful to him. that he bothered to even meet a stranger like me. and he spoke to me about many things. i really hope that i can learn qi gong from him and meditation. he did teach me meditative approaches like the laotian one that a laotian monk taught him.

we shared many things, and there were too many things to put down here. i guess, i 'm just tired from the exchange too and that today, my mind was too agitated to be able to calm down, or be happy. but i want to and i want to.

i hope to help him or be of use to him the way he has been to me. :)

thank you brother bhante.

may you be well and happy
may you be peaceful and calm
may you be well and healthy
may you be protected from danger and suffering.

on a differnet note, i've been feeling very disturbed again.
feel agitated becos of my weight thing.
mrning i weighed bout 69.9kg. ysterday morning, without food or water about 69.3kg - SEE i'm becoming OBSESSIVE!
at night, just after drinking, altho still short of about 250g of water, i weighed 67.7kg. i have to tell myself that my weight is in the same region as before and that i must STOP being unhappy and insecure, as I HAD BEEN AT WARWICK.

i DONT WANT TO BE THIS UNHAPPY when i get to paris and i must OVERCOME this fear and insecurity because it's RUINING my happiness and by letting this RUIN my hapiness, i m LETTING MY MOTHER AND PARTNER DOWN.

also, as my neurosis is not just about weight - it's about MY LIFE. because i used to have this neurosis and it was about gym, etc but now, i'm still ALLOWING IT TO RUIN MY HAPPINESS.
EDMUND, STOP BEING A FUCKING IDIOT. grow up and stop thinking obsessively about your weight because it's the FUCKING SAME.

e floodgates of joy opened today at Simei foodcourt

i sat by the foodcourt and ate my food, wondering why I couldnt really enjoy my food. later, when i finished my meal, i was trying to read but could not quite focus. then i realised...

i was happy.

happiness was not the 2-sec, in-a-dribble affair. this time, the floodgates opened. and i really could feel the energy surging through me, engulfing my being. really loved it. i thot to myself: this is what it is, the feeling of not needing distractions, of being open to nothing but this sensation/emotion and not needing anyone or any opiate (love or distraction).

this is called happiness.

why?
i think i just felt at peace. after going to see my TCM doctor, i just felt that i could be at ease, just like the after effect of meditation. i could sit there, without having to meditate yet i felt truly happy. really happy. just without needing anything else. this is prehaps the state i should strive for. and then i think to myself: maybe this could be what i am doing in future - just being alone and being just happy.

but it won't be easy. that feeling left later. i think it's the distractions; the PEOPLE, the passing thoughts, the anger, etc, which clouded the anger, or rather, sent my 'happiness' packing.

i strive to achieve this more in future.

my TCM doctor today said something strange to me: "if u dont get cured after this round of medication, perhaps you should go see someone who's better."

my face fell. or ratehr, my heart, not my face. i lost faith in him, i said surely u dont mean u can't cure me. is it that my case is serious???

he said NO. ur case is not a big/serious case at all. then? he just said he felt bad for making me go to him yet he could not cure me yet. i felt even more surprised he said that.

later, he saw my dismay and said, dont worry, "wo yi ding yao ba ni zhi hao!" - verbatim.

i asked him how long it takes ppl to get cured. he said 3 months should be all right.
i dont know. i really dont know how long it'll take me.

anyhow, later, i spoke to the nurse outside. she said that he always spoke to people like this. this lack of confidence?? anyway, she said if it helped me, i should continue and not let this affect me.

maybe i wanted security from him. not maybe. definitely. i can't help NOT thinking ahead, that in a month's time, if he doesnt cure me, then i'm like, incurable?

i hope not. but life is like this, innit. it's just full of stuff that might happen ahead but we only choose to worry about what we can worry cos that's only what we can do! but does it mean that life is more secure? NO WAY. it's just a kind of quixotism.

i must strive to let go. to be above fear. to stop fearing. i must.

now on my thoughts:
1) weight loss
2) fear of not recovering - gallstones
3) fear of not staying in this job and getting enough $
4) fear of not passing HIV and Hep C test
5) health fears for my loved ones
6) fear of not getting into university paris diderot.

so many! w e f!!

i will try my best not to think of them...

talking and yakking

havent been in here for about10 days? i realised...
been sick a couple of days.

my weight again! bugging me.

the 2nd day, i weighed myself: 68kg at home.

the 1st day, i was 67.3kg

the 2nd day, i was 67.5kg

TODAY, i am 67.1kg.

f£$^...sigh. i lost weight! so sian.

maybe i didnt. maybe i did. aiyah, i dunno leh, feel sian. worried.

realise that everyday, i have been preoccupied about my weight and my girth. each day, i feel that my weight is dropping because my pants are so LOOSE.

1) am i really losing weight?
- 67.5kg to 68kg to 67kg. about same?

Does thinking about my weight or thinking about my weight INCREASE IT?
- NO.

so? STOP THINKING ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT.

fears?
- fear that my weight will keep dropping.

what will it do for me if i keep thinking abot my weight?
- NOTHING. -> same goes for if i go to paris and what has happened over past 2 years at warwick, etc....it is torment.

edmund u must STOP.

is there evidence that your weight fluctuates over past 2 years?

YES. it DINGDONGS UP AND DOWN. but in the end, it's still very much e same? -> think luton, warwick, etc

therefore, STOP FREAKING OUT.

on a different note, i want to do other things.
i want to get in to Uni of Paris and be happy!
i want to save enough till ... yippee!
i want to be happy! just happy!
i m praying...