disillusioned

i feel q disillusioned today.

spoke to my best friend. she didnt 'quite need me' these past two weeks. why? because she went home to her mom. i am seeing a trend - she only calls me to whine and the only reason, i feel, is that she needs an outlet.

honestly, i m sick of it. the rest of it, i know what she does and i'm not going to air it here but i'm frankly quite sick of it. i hate people taking me for granted. it's something i won't tolerate and i will frankly, drop whoever who tries that w me. including that idiot reece.

fuck her.

i think i'm the only one who reads my blog. lol

i went to the national library today; it was ok lah. quite quiet. actually, TOO quiet. went to chinatown. saw chinese prostitutes; male and female. it was rather interesting watching them, i found.

the chinese girls are quite coy and the male prostitutes, from china, are really TALL and not that goodlooking but have a rather exotic look.

anyway, i didnt wnat them to think that i'm a 'prostitute' competing w them too; or whatever lah, so i quickly left.

i went to my cousin to have my teeth checked. she did an x-ray of my teeth and she said that i had MANY HOLES IN MY MOUTH. i got q depressed cos i feel insecure. ALL MY LIFE i've felt INSECURE. i dont know why but perhaps, and most likely, i realised that it was because of my father's death. it had always dogged me and i have never quite let go of it; or rather, this demon has never let me go.

i felt insecure again. i feel inseure all e time. but someone once said that what's e point of thinking so far ahead. life is so short and all these worries will get me nowhere. that's what i learned from buddhism. perhaps it's called being frivolous. but perhaps that's e reality of life; that we cannot contorl a lot of things and ultimately, we have to let go of the worries and just continue. this is how survivors make it, isnt it? through concentration camp internment, etc...internment in that tiny box in prison,e tc

i feel so bitter

so damn bitter. bitter bitter bitter....................................................................................

a strange blog...

i want to work on the loving-kindness meditation

1) think of myself: good thoughts: may good things happen for me; may i be well and healthy, may i be peaceful and calm; may i be protected from bad things and people, may i be happy and joyous.

2) a person i really respect and love

3) a person i deeply love

4) a neutral person. eg shopkeeper

5) a person i dislike (that wont be difficult i have a long list...)

i want to be a better person; to be nicer; to be at peace w the world; to make peace; to be nicer; to rid myself of the bad karma; to be a patient person; to stop the UNPLEASANT experiences in my life; to only have the good pleasant things in life (for a start; then later move on to the 'neutral' things)

good things today:

1) had a great time w jacq
2) was more patient w buddy
3) had a nice time at yakun
4) the girl at yakun was friendly and nice to me
5) didnt have to queue at aji-tei

realisation

i realise that when i think about those people who haunt me; like marc, wishing him etc, or people like bee ong, i know that i m compassionate and that i m not really wishing them bad things; i cant be 100 per cent sure but i dont think im that kind o person because i know that i when i see them sad, down, pained, i dont want it. i will also feel sad.

i just wnat to say that i dont want to curse people. i just want to renounce the anger in me and that i want to process it out beause i feel its toxicity in me. i cant say i wish for all gd things to happen t people but i wish for good things to good people now, i really really do.

i promise the Buddha that i will promise to do my best to be a better person. i will do my best.

i dont want anybad things to befall my loved ones. i only wish for good things to befall them.

peace.

lovelies...

1)had lunch w mom today
2) went to gym; saw UNCLE! was a nice surprise. chatted briefly. i dont know why but i kinda liked his father figure thingy. i had a father but not one whom i felt loved me terribly; rather, it was always a distant figure, cold and faroff. somehow, it was nice to feel as if i was being loved by an older man; a father figure. saw oli pettigrew. oh god, i dnt wnat to go there.
3) went to holland v and found a nice spot in the middle of ya kun. great. asked the ladies if it was taken. it WASNT!
4)went to starbux and it was QUIET - great. charged my laptop; then went to have dinner. felt better liao.
5) wentback to yakun and did bit of work. was quite good and did quite a good bit today. i am glad!

this is a fruitful day!

on other thoughts:

been wondering about whether how i should let go my anger/fear/disappointment/love/sadness, etc. i dunno how to 'process' it other than wishing bad things onto another person. it's bad, not good. i dont want to. my light side tells me it's wrong. really. what should i do? i dont know...

i want to express it; let it go. it's about time. i dont want to see it again. but somehow, coming back to sg, makes me see it again i just feel that it all rush back in a tide.

i dun even know what i'm writing about anymore.

all i can say is that i fucking hate all of you fucks -
1) deborah maak - just a fucking bitch
2) wee teck - fucking paedophile
3) marc almgro - fucking loser who might just die alone someday in an oldfolks home - this is NOT a curse.
4) pramila kaur - hypocritical cunt who can't keep her leg shut to a stranger-desperado
5) jacinta ho - hypocritical bitch; the reason why many people won't go to church
6) denis pua - u fucking idiot who can't keep your cock in ur pants
7) teo boonpin - u fucking faggot; i wonder how u managed to use your dick on jacinta a bush in the garden
8) ong sohchin - u fucking idiot who cant spell, fuck you fuck you fuck you - i wnder how u got to where you were - u're too damn ugly to be fuckable i just wonder why; btu then, many str8 men just have a dick that can't think or discern so it's just all about a hole, isnt it?
9) bee ong - fucking act-posh bitch turned yoga instructor - u look like a clamped up cunt, i.e a tight mussel
10) alfian - u fucking cockhead snob - look at how intelectual you are now; that's y u can't even be a relief teacher cos the entire govt knows you are a FUCKING MUSLIM FAGGOT wth a hole dying to be plugged
11) CYRIL w - u fucking poet who writes so many autobiographical poems that i just think you're pure rubbish - btw, if u're reading this, i showed one of my profs your poems and he rubbished it, saying it was 'cliche' beyond belief
12) THE MOTHRFUCKERS AT SILVERFISH WRITING - fuck you! if i ever win a booker prize, u can forget about the interview i'll give. not that i am dying to but i guess u bunch of fuckheads are just pathetic losers who reallly believe that you are the bloomsbury gang in...er....MALAYFUCKINGSIA.
13) sharon bakar - F U C K Y O U - and go home! :) peace...


ok, i'll continue tomorrow