london

i didnt want to show this fucking ugly pic but aiyah lah, chin chai. how many ppl read this blog anyway. went to this nice cafe at soho. went there b4. very earthy and humble kinda italian deli/cafe. sat next to 2 FAGGOTS and they were like, fucking 'gods and monsters' old whose table was on e outside, as opposed to mine which was next to the wall. so u can imagine e difficulty i had trying to fit my ass through the gap between their table and mine when i went to toilet and returned. at first, they were rather amused, but later on, they looked slightly irritated cos i waited for them to finish talking their lady faggot talk b4 i 'slid' through e gap back to my seat.

fucking fags. anyway, later took a book from the 'book club' - what else? BIRD SONG by sebastian faulker which was what i was lookin for. what coincidence!?! incredible. fucking amazinggggggggggg.

i walked out w the book under my arm and no one stopped me. WAHAHAHAHA.


my friend took this shot just b4 i boarded e fucking train to fucking luton. i first came across this place when i was writing a story about london's luxury hotels n this one would in about 2 years be under the marriott group's renaissance. it's really gorgeous, i think it's even a better sight than the st paul. next to the westminister abbey, i think st pancras chambers building is a must-see sight - stupid tourists in london. go read on e history. it's q amazing and inside, i think even more amazing. the part that wil become e residence suites - i'm thinking, who e fuck's goin to stay in this place it's so frigging old and haunted, my god.



this is the room i stayed in at best western @ paddington shaftsbury. nice nice. turned out nice and inside e room, quite 4-star which i didnt expect cos from e outside, there was a fucking TEMPORARY SIGNBOARD which was more befitting of a frigging grocer.

i think wallpaper is v impt, so is the lighting. absolutely crucial is lighting. the new apt i must have must have great wallpaper and lighting. absolutely.


i saw the CHANEL logo when i was sitting at oxford street's starbucks - one of those and i was thinking: did coco chanel steal this idea from a lamp post in london? hmm...


the bathroom's lovely at the hotel - much nicer than u think from e picture above.

this caffe nero has great memories cos i came here every morning like 7 summers ago. everymonring i would hop over here after buying a newspaper at the opposite safeway and buy a large bottle of a soft drink b4 going down to the basement and sitting there, reading it till about 11am. really fabulous. i miss those days in that i missed talking to jen, a friend whom i made thx to the mornings there and i put here in e novel i wrote. sigh...too bad, we are not in touch anymore but i made anther one at warwick - EMMA!

this morning when i walked back from the hotel, along edgware road to oxford street, it was a walk down memory lane. nice. somehow didnt feel e gritty thing about the street, as opposed to luton's arndale mall (yucks).

i find london nice, refreshing from luton's dull, grim yucky reality. but somehow, today whe i walking down oxford street, specifically regent street, after coming out of ZARA n not buying anything, i felt kinda depressed and that was when i kinda understood y. that london made me, kinda, feel worthless, like i'm not good enough for myself cos of what i wa wearing. thx to the city's super rich, i think things are very different now for people in e uk. investments, etc...tax loopholes...

i think london i a place where u lose your soul and you stock up on sins. it's a hedonistic paradise where u can get whatever u want, if u have $ and nothing if you have some (yes, only some).

ENGLAND IS A 3RD WORLD COUNTRY!!!

more reasons why UK is a 3rd country, the burnt out shell of a former empire.

1) u go out onto e streets and you see TARTS AND WHORES. young girls the age of about 15 dressing like britney spears and swearing
2) train attendants who prefer not to give you any information about the train service, instead, referring you to a TRAIN SCHEDULE BOOKLET.
3) walking on e street and feeling lke someone's going to rob you anytime because the kids are FERAL. - yes, ENGLAND's new generation is made up of FERAL CATS and DOGS WHO LOVE SHOPPING, TOPMAN and TOPSHOP and who aspire to be the megabimbo, VICTORIA BECKHAM.
4) there's nothing to do except to BOOZE at night
5) POLICE running around the whole day in town centres, doing nothing while the fERAL KIDS shout, drink, piss around and jerk around
6) POOR PRODUCTIVITY - the UKers shirk their responsibilities and want an easy life, looking at the hardworking immigrants.
7) DISLOYAL UKers who run off to SPAIN to live because the weather sucks and running off to S E Asia and other former colonies of the empire to suck them dry like fucking leeches while leaving their wives at home
8) THE FUCKING WEATHER - remember WUTHERING HEIGHTS??
9) KEIRA KNIGHTLEY - pathetic lousy actress
10) AWFUL FUCKED UP PEOPLE

heading home

saw this gorgeous courtyard in the other side of town, across from the old town.

today the weather is nice in luton. i m sick o luton tho. how many times have i said it? the people in e uk are crude and crass. i dunno what to say.yest i was walking on e 'high street' in this cockhole of a town and three lasses, one of them shoutinginto the phone so damn loud "oh my ggggggoooood" and she used the F word like god knows how many times and no one on e street gves a hoot about her. another guy did e same thing.

one thing i know for sure, the english are made up of many crude, rude and badly mannered people. esp e younger generation. i dunno about e older genration but e ones i've seen in sg are equally badmannered. if i see any more chao angmoh talking cock about poor service stds in sg, or whatever else, i'll give them a piece of my mind about their rotten lousy countries.

FUCK YOU.

more pictures and thoughts...

this is my fav cafe in palma. perhaps it's because i've never been in it and the allure is alwas there. undiminished. untainted.
i told myfriend after i saw it and after i took a shot of it. he said, lets go in.
i said no, we shouldnt. cos some beautiful things, like this cafe, should only be seen n experienced from a distance but u never participate in it. only from a distnace.


i passed by this residence in the old town. i liked the rich terracotta colour. love its richness and the way it spoke to you, humbly. i want this for my house. somewhere. perhaps in the kitchen. yes, e kitchen. not anywher ein e house. just e kitchen. somehow, the kitche is a place for me to retire to, to do my work.



i cant forget this shot of valldemossa. we were walking in e maze of residences, walkig past clouds of curious and some, more hostile stares, seeing pots of flowers hung on the walls of these homes. one particular one, this one, stood out.

siesta hour, we passed the other side of town, across the old town, in another maze. saw this shop, selling household decorative items, quite a fair number in palma. lovely decorative stuff. took e shot from outside the shop window.

sat at this cafe during siesta at soller. the town was a ghost town. so empty. when i got off e bus, i was so shocked. regreted not having gone to deia stop instead. pity. then walked past this super designer hotel in e midst of nowhere - L'AVENIDAS - then finally saw civilisation!

sat here after walking around the small town square. it was really authentic. smoky environment, apple pie and muffins, next to us, as we sat ext to the window, listening to the 'hola's coming from e clients who i was wondering, why werent they going home to spend time on a christmas eve dinner.

on e last day in majorca, everything was shut. still xmas day. and i walked so friggin far. walked and just somehow ended up halfway back e distance from my hotel at palmanova to la seu. walked up the slope and e roads to castell de belver. e view was stunning but of course, most parts of the views were yucky. but some views were worth it tho. lke this one. u got to see far away into the distance. the sea and sky were one and you cant make out where sea or sky ends. the sea just melts into the sky above or the sky just hovers below the sea.

la seu

dont u think it looks liek arrogance? i find this cathedral super arrogant looking *u know what i mean. it looks mroe liek a castle n e builders obviously wanted it to look this way,

check out the way the arches surrounding it are. even the spires look like crowns. i'm sory, not too big a fan of catholicism. oops.

oh i ws so happy during those days at majorca. i find luton absolutely fucking depressing. i hate england. i find that i've never hated england so much and the studying experience here so comme-ci comme-ca.

my favourite facade opposite my favourite cafe at la seu. hehe

mountains and more mountains...

these two shots of valldemossa

these two shots only what i have of deia and the winding treacherous roads - just 2-lanes and you see a giant fucking bus trying to crawl up and down e hills and the driver was STILL TALKING to the front passenger, he might as well just play cards with her.

next day, went on another expedition.

went to valledemossa first where chopin stayed for one measley winter. i wetnt there and got off bus, rushing to find toilet. always like this.

anyway, when we saw e place or monastery where he stayed w his lover, george sand (a lady, mind u).

finally, left after a hasty lunch, just sandwich, yucks but v quaint, not q touristy cafe altho i wonder why there arent any decent cafes in this touristy village. took e bus (buses come once in every 2-3 hours) and we went up a REALLY FUCKING TREACHEROUS MOUNTAIN PATH, so fucking steep.

past DEIA WHERE I SHOULD have got off but didnt, instead went to soller a little town near a sea port. nice lah, but not that fantastic. i think deia would really have made my day. when i first saw it, it was sitting on clouds, in e middle of nowwhere, like an island rising out of a moutain - can u imagine that? a fucking isle rising out of a valley in a fucking mountain.

love spaniards

ok, just a quick pic on the xmas market in the old town.

anyway, the next day, it was a full trip out of palma. took a bus to several sea towns after palmanova where i stayed. went to santa ponca. went to tourist info b4 going for lunch at a nice chinese resturant - chinese in spain are reallllllllllllllllly nice, unlike in paris and other europena cities with so much fuckin attitude. they r genuinely nice.

went to the archaelogical site, up on e hill about 100over metres. what a fucking view of the sea and coastal area.

this is where we are, on e hill. the 'expedition' meant that we had to get down t the town u see at the cove in e mid of the picture where we had to climb up ACROSS THE HILL to get to the other side of the mountain, another village where we were to trek to - paguera.

we've on the otehr side of th ehill now. as you can see in the pic above, the summit of the hill was where i was standing and from where i took the pic above above. (dun mind my english).

here i'm just fucking around w the cat. cute. there were 2 of them. like shadows of a shadow. one was v friendly, which u see above. the other on was a 'piss off' look.

this s how the coves look. gorgeous waters amidst pink limestone? anyway, i went off e road, to the tracks off e coast and it was really beautiful. some had no roads so you had to just walk on e tracks and just enjoy e view.

anyhow, i made it up e lonesome road - v v v v v fucking quiet and i soon lost sight of other tourists. the rain clouds overhead gathered and it started to rain and pour. and there i was on the hill, trying to wonder where e road will end in paguera. apparently not. lost my way, saw a majorcan and grabbed him - where and how do i get to paguera. he was very nice. didnt speak mch english but very accommodating regardles whcih i really appreciated from spaniards.

went UP e hill, no directions, no signs, despite e stupid tourist office book which cost 1 euro. then went up a strange hill which is not relaly a road, just gravel, INTO someone's residential compound and me and my friend were suddenly trying to jump off e mountain and climb into areas which are clearly NOT FOR TRESPASSING. we went up past the cordoned off area on a small hill atop a hill, and were at a fence when we saw ANOTHR MAN who was trekking to paguera and he said, it's that way, on HIS SIDE OF THE FENCE. and we got frantic and quickly tryied to find a way - it was about coming to 5 and getting dark and no way do u wanna get stuck there in a forest or a winding road during winter.

finally, we tried our luck and just PICKED A TRACK in e midle of a the forest. saw a lot of crap which was really big in size and i said to my friend: "are there bears in this forest?". finally, we walked and walked, and it was treacherous at parts oh man. so narrow and if u slip, hasta la vista baby.

made it out finally out of the forest, into PAGUERA>.....yayayayayayayayay.

but anyway, we got into a german town where everything was german. it was just not my kinda place. we were getting stares. yuck.

what i realised is that the former colonial powers are still the same today. except they do it in the form of $. i mean, they go to small towns by the sea and just buY UP EVEERYTHING and every shop space and just call it their own little britain and little germany. gross. yucks. i dun understand why i would want to go to spain and live in a little singapore. it' s FUCKING STUPID!

where do i start...

reached majorca about noon time. went for quick lunch, then went to walk around e coast. but apparently, it was like going to e uk. finally settled at macdonalds where it was really nice, affording a great view of the sea. saw these 3 kids (feral indeed!), having fun. they took the macdonalds paper boxes and plastic bottles, and were having so much fun throwing them INTO THE SEA! and their parents didnt intervened. one thing i noticed about majorcans (?) is that their kids are very naughty and their parents seem to give in a lot but they turned out really, quite proper. e older teenagers never seem to have e same attitude problems of the English (fucking awful and badly behaved).

check out these shots of the most wonderfully beautiful windows i saw in majorca. they're really balconies (dunno e name lah) and all windowed up. i duno y cos the weather's really q clement in majorca but perhaps to avoid the red dust from north africa that blows across from e seas.

i took this shot next to a cafe by LA SEU, the cathedral that's really quite famous in majorca's biggest city, palma. gorgeous cafe. i live to travel to cafes around e world. hehe. i wouldnt mind just hopping from cafe to cafe even when i travel.

check out e details on e door of the cathedral. gorgeous. i havent seen such details in many other continental european cathedral b4.

behind la seu, the cathedral, i saw a relaly nice courtyard in a residence. see e arab influence. well, they were run by e moors from 900 to 1200s (i think).

typical street in palma's old town:narrow, 5-6-storey buildings, balconies sticking out all over e place

anyway, from what i remembered, e 1st day at palma was spent just walking around. it was during e xmas period so many shops were getting ready to close. but e siesta time was strange. from 2-5, everone disappears off e streets and suddenly, u know u're running around in a world of tourists, tho not that many. after all, it's off peak season in majorca.

ok, so wha did i do during that siesta on tat day in palma?

went to dunkin coffee!

then after siesta, everything opened once again. this old town' mostly made up f streets; not quite many shops so dont expect much shopping. but really loved e SPANISH PEOPLE!

majorca, singapore

tommorrow morning, i'm going to majorca for about 5 days.

also, today, i just learned that i'm heading back to singapore on 13th jan in the new year.

that means i wont be attending my winter graduation in jan and also, i wont be able to meet my brother and sis-in-law in paris originally planned for CNY.

i kinda feel kinda yucky. that going back to sg, means that i'm some kinda loser. i dunno. i m just set thinking still...

i hope not.

but then, i would have to go back to sg in early feb anyway so i'm just bringing my sg trip 1 month forward, am i not?

i'm moving to paris next year; not quite sure which months. maybe april, if everyhthing goes on well.

i was going to add a few lines here but i changed my mind cos i dont want my friends to think i'm some kinda freak.

if i sound like some kinda jetsetter, well, i m in some ways but honestly, there's a price to pay: poverty. i do live below e poverty line and i'm too fucking broke to even be able to afford holidays or paying the FUCKING AIRPORT TAX...

lovely thoughts

1) i am loved by family, friends and lover (perry/YP/AL/RQ)
2) i am provided for
3) i can do what i want to do
4) i have great ppl like HUI PING who helped me tremendously
5) i have achieved plenty (book/FT/manhunt/societymag/radio/, etc etc)
6) i am now realising e mistakes about my past and what one can make
7) i'd love to have a puppy
8) i'd love to have a kitten
9) love to regard world cinema films
10) i am completing my 1st novel draft
11) i have experienced a 'miracle' last year
12) i m going to buy a house next year
13) i want to live in paris and hang out w E and Joyce and other new friends
14) i want to travel to japan again to see and live there
15) ...
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17)...
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confronting your fear

can i do it? i dont want to continue to 'run', distract, escape.

i've been trying to escape for years, since SIM days when i hung out w friends, etc.

now i think it's time to stop running.

i think for years, it's like, i've been always trying to 'hold onto' someone to protect me from e ghosts who are reaching out their hands from e shadows.

the shadows are those pockets of time where i m alone; truly, especially when at sleep, or before i drift off to sleep. but then, once i m alone, they come, attack me.

imust find a way to stop them; to fend them off so that they won't come again. they will forvever be banished.

fuck ghosts.

morbid shdow

another day has passed. not a day goes by without my feeling the shadows of morbidity.
feel that somehow, something is wrong w my body, specifically my stomach. that i'm susceptible to cancer.

i wrote to a friend just now, telling her my thoughts; that why is it that i prayed so hard to the Gods and the Buddha and that my prayers are not answered - specifically, y e pain and discofmort hasnt gone away.

so wouldnt that mean taht all my prayers are bogus, that the Gods and evertyhing is not real, that they are just a figment of my own imaginationa nd that they dont quite exist and that everything is mere coincidence, whether gd or bad.

therefore, in such circumstances, shoudlnt i be guided by a lack of morals, and i should go about and do whatever fuck i wanna do. that means that i shouldnt give a fuck about people's feelings, or about morality in terms of doing whatever fuck i wanna; wheter sex or money or stealing or any possible fuck u can tihnk of.

i m kind tempted. already i believe incerasingly that the material life is the only life; that there is nothing above that cos i've tried it and apparently it doesnt work. so in e event of impending death, we just wait to be put out like a pathetic bonfire.

it's 10.15pm now.

i wrot emy friend too that ironically, i m always in search of something to ELUDE myself; anything to distrac tme from me. and then, isnt that as good as dying? isnt that like, death? to die is to lose your selfconsciousness and i just feel that that's what i've been pursuing all these years. so WHY E FUCK AM I SO FRIGHTENED OF DEATH? WHY AM I SO AFRAID TO DIE?

i don't know. it's easy for my ex counsellor, hui ping to say : "think...so what if you do hav cacncer?"

"i don't konw. fear."

"and?"

"scared loh," i say.

"scared but still? you have to face it right? you ahve to accept it right?"

yes, i agree w her. but somehow, i just suddenly understand that part of myself; that really, i'm a fucking irony. maybe it's just e pain i dun want. how wonderful would that b? it's like dying in your sleep. i think that'd be ideal.

my best friend...

called me today. i m glad. she said yada yada yada about many things; that she hasnt been doing what i thought she was doing. glad to hear her say that about me.

anyway, i have not been doing much these past few days. i think i have to focus on my novel . the gist of it; to finsih e fucking thing.

i'm looking forward to two new movies that will come my way. FLANDERS and another one, i forgot. haha.

must focus on good things. wonderful things.

1) went gym today
2) didn't feel so ill today; felt better in terms of my 'flu' yesterday
3) stomach felt better today than yesterday
4) spoke to my best friend today who 'allayed' my fears
5) there was SUNSHINE today
6) did a fair bit of writing on my novel today

i'm leaving next week for somewhere, dunno where yet. my friend will tell me where we're going. but we're going for about 5 days. yes, i do think that i'm so globetrotter.

actually, next year, i might be moving to paris. my brother's there and my sister-in-law and i'm really looking forward to it.

laying the blame

i know that i have a part to blame. but there are those who ought to take e blame too.

if i get cancer, it's because of three persons:

1) mr yong who fucking pissed me off last year
2) mr fucking chao chee bye pinoy( fuckyou fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you...goes on)
3) mr fucking chao angmoh E W (fuck you and your bf and your and your bf and on and on)

now i feel so fucking absolutely miserable becos of my stomach. i wonder why.

is there a GOD? if there is, please help me and help rid of this stupid pain and discomfort and gas in my stomach. i just want it to go and i dont want cancer.

zui lang man de shi

strange how time flies.

i m listening to this song by zhao yong hua. it reminds me of that time when i was in army. 92-94. feels like an entire universe ago. it's strange, somehow, i remembered that period as an extremely traumatic period yet there was pockets, when i feel even reminiscent.

it was the particular nights during that time when at night, i missed someone very much. it was a wonderfully, pure love. i dunno if its love but i knew that the affection was pure.

how do you explain about jsut desiring to be with someone; to be near there, to see their eyes, to hope that they would only look at you for that moment, only to have them come into your office or room to look for you to say hi, to say nothing. to just be together. to be in their presence.

lovely.

i remembered that night when i was lying in the vehicle and that outside, there was the giant grandfather clock hanging in the sky, and it was cold. so we retired into the vehicle and just stayed there, lying on our backs, one arm behind our heads, one leg crossed over the other. no gazes between us, just looking up at the ceiling of that vehicle and we just do nothing but hear each other's breathes. then you turn to me and look at me and asked me matter-of-factly questions like, "are you feeling hot?" or "do you want a mat?".

but the next day, once the sun came up, it was all over.

sigh...i still remember those times when we hung out in the dormitory and we did nothing but hung out. at nights in the dusty corridors, as the wind whistled through the windows in the empty rooms, there were only 2 persons in this world, and two hearts. yours and mine.

you came into the room after your shower and then, lie down on the mattress, and just before bed, you'd put your hand on my head, give it a quick rub before saying "goodnight".

i wonder where u are now, as i listen to zui lang man de shi in my heart.

the most romantic thing in the world, is to grow old with you...

bishonen...i love you

This is one of my favourite movies - BISHONEN. absolutely love it love it.

found this song accidentally one day when surfing. wonderful japanese song.

walk on... kellie coffey

http://www.myspace.com/kelliecoffeyartistpage

check out this song by her. i liked it very much. i was at the airport charles de gaulle waiting for my flight to luton when i heard this from an mp3 phone from this frenchie sitting next to me

"excusez moi, qu'est ce cette chanson?" I asked him.

"walk on..." he replied.

go to the link above and you can hear the song.