back!

yes, i almost forgot i have this blog.

i been in a tizzy for a bit. actually, it's not new. i know ppl know i m in a tizzy but i realised that many people do not realyl understand or know me at all. it's disappointing. but to have people not understand u and hold it against you; i.e, misunderstand you and steer away, then i find it quite difficult to accept.

regardless...i was reading soemthing about forgiveness that day. i dunno y. but of late, i have been receiving 'gifts' of sorts; the 4D, the signs i have been seeing - the 2 pigeons nestled in the grass, the strange vacant lift that waits for me at my block, the realisatio that some ppl in my life are really my 'guardian' angels - my mom and roland, who have always been by my side, something i dun quite understand because sometimes, i do think that i'm quite rotten to the core yet they're like godsend, and yes, in many ways,i dont deserve them and the only way i can rationalise their presence is that they're here to guide me - show me the right path. indeed, i am most fortunate. i read somewhere today about an analogy about how a man drowns because he wanted to wait for God, but really, God had come by in the disguise of fisherman, which the drowned man had passed up the chance to be saved by him.

last night, i met another person, a taxi drive whom i spoke to and wanted to help initially but later, turned out that he 'ENLIGHTENED' me instead; speaking to me about the buddhist-like teachings he had learned on his own - he said he is a FREE THINKER.

then, i think about my own mistakes in life; the huge huge mistakes and bad karma but i think to myself, maybe it's true, i should stop feeling guilty, STOP FEELING GUILTY and start learning to FORGIVE and forgive OTHERS at the same time, and also that, perhaps my mistakes were what had 'opened' my eyes to see what i had done and what i SHOULD DO in future.

i wrote down the names of all the people who i hate/disliked, yesterday and i sat at a kopitiam, feeling sad, down, almost teary at one point as i listened to No Air by Jordin Sparks. then, i wrote down and tried to come up with the names of 30 over people who had helped me too; whose kindness was only during a moment but something that i remembered. in that sense, i have relived their kindness once again and they have come to my rescue once again. i thk you all.

there was a positive thought; i think i might want to become a HOUSING AGENT! hehehe. 1k$ per month is also bette rthan nothing. :)