Pierre Herme

I dashed off to starbux and did my writing. then back to the apartment. my routine is usually from 2-5pm and then i dashed back to my lovely apartment. before i dashed off to st germain des pres to Pierre Herme.
and i got myself DESIR.

check out this picture. it looks so comme-ci comme-ca.

i was standing in line, just by e edge of the store, and then, there was this guy standing in front; speaking english mostly with smatterings of francais. boy was he pretentious, talking about this and that and speaking so INCREDIBLY LOUD. i think that's just really in bad taste and he was just going on and on to this lady next to him, who was a lot more civil (and quieter); but then, who will have a voice when they're a booming one next to your ear.

the staff at Pierre Herme were really polite and nice; even offering napkins (do you need one?). i said no, in english cos my french still sucks. a whole cake there costs, at least like, 35 euros. crazy prices.

i bot this and ran!

hopefully it'll taste nice -> i really preferred the chocolate ones but duh has been saying "chocolate again?"

one of e greatest disappointments in my life are...

my friends.

fucking disappointment.

there are so many ppl i invested in. and i continually did so. but until the past few years, so many of the friendships died. also, becos i dumped quite a few. started w bernice han. god, fucking butch. then, reece. another fucking cunt. then, annie, whom i thot was a good pal. disappointment - to thk that someone would think so horribly of me without knwing the meaning of caricaturising, jacq, fucking loser - reece thinks u're shit yet you're still askin for her to splash it on ur face, and now li ying ping. oh god, dunno where to start.

i guess, the journey was solitary anyhow, it was my own journey and now, it's just beginning again - dunno endig?. anyway, i feel disappointed. but i realised that they were never real. it was just wishful thinking on my end. pity. the delusion happened so long and i never realised it.

but it made me seesomething. life is all illusion; i used to bask in the warmth of friendship but they werent' REAL. andnow,i feel e insecurity but this is reality. yet, feeling warmth is also real, if i think it. therefore, perception is as real as it gets, if only i can make myself feel that way.

i aspire to be truly independent. not dependent on other people or friends.

i hate those people i mentioned above. i want to vanquish them from my life. i want them out. i want every memory of them erased. i want to leave them behind. no more.

midlife crisis

i seriously think i m having some kind of midlife crisis.

it's strange. over years, it's alwas like that; i get some kind of difficult period, incredibly hard and terrible, awful torture. then later, better.

in short, ups and downs.

just that this down has been going on for so long - past 2 years, really - that i can't tell anymore.

now, i find it hard to go on, it's like, i feel nothing, there is nothing that can let me go on, move on. there is so much that is troubling me, i realise.

1) racist thing
2) friendships
3) insecurity, per se
4) aimlessness
5) stomach discomfort/fear of death

in short, ALL THESE FUCKING THINGS ARE HAUNTING ME. day and night. i realise that they're quit e abig chunk. why does this have to happen to me? i dont understand. it's unfair. other people just get on w their lives and i have to deal with this FUCKING SHIT everyday. FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING SHIT, day in day out. EVERYSINGLEFUCKINDAY

it's so unfair. why does this not happen to bad people? why does this not happen to other people that i dont give a fucking shit about or dont care for?

first up, i hate angmohs. i just want to move on and dont think of it. second, friendships. i feel so disappointed. reece is a fucking cunt, bernice is another one, jacq is another one, then, annie is a pure disappointment, and now, li ying ping. shits. all of them.

if you are reading this and you're one of them, yes, you're shit.

insecurity, quite a lot of it. i feel afraid of it, in general, as a result of these fake friendships that disappeared. i know now, for a fact, that they were never there for me from e start.

aimlessness, that's another one. i feel empty, nothingness, just devoid of direction. why? how do i start to cherish myself? i donnt. i want to know.

and last but not least, my stomach discomfort. what do i do with it? it's been 2 years over. i dunno how to rid of it. i want to rid of it. i dont want to die. i dont want to die younger than 70. i just want to be happy. happy without the stupid discomfort in my stomach. pls pls pls. GOD TAK EIT AWAY!

thoughts

thinking of about how i should release all the negative energy. and just move on. and stop harbouring anger. stop stop stop. i think i've let them go but i haven't because that's e reason why i keep tihnking that ppl are doing this to me, eg yingping is treating me like she is making use of me, or how people always who are slow or stupid, are conspiring to give me hell.

anger

anger is because i hate the world. hate hate hate.

i looked out for the horrible things. the awful things. to catch them. to show and hold it up; and say "see! it's here. it's indeed ROTTEN!". but i m wrong. i m wrong, wrong. it's not the right way to live life.

life should be led in another way. through peace. through love. warmth.

feelings...

of warmth, sadness, irony and a sense of helplessness, expressed in this song by Lin Qi Yu. called replacement. lovely. think it's really great.

feeling kinda tired today. thots swirling again. actually not much. realised that when i m sick, the thots go away. cos the focus is on my ailments/discomfort.

suddenly, realised that hell is really a place in e head. that's y the Buddha taught us about the mind. how impt it is: heaven is just a step away, perhaps, since hell can be a plae that u inhibit in your mind.

terrible.

this sng makes me think about khong. khong beng hwee. the times in e army camp. i miss u. not so much anymore. but somehow, when i think about u, altho it was a sad time in my life, yet, i smile when i think of u. about how u smile, your lips. u know khong, i really hope to see u again someday. to meetu again. many a time, i think about how u look now: uncle, with tummy, haggard, having lost the beauty i had been so used to seeing u, the red red lips, the way you pat me on my head, etc.

i dont really wish that u loved me, mabe because i already knew that u did not. but in some ways, i wanted that vague loving kindness u had for me. i was thinking to myself: that if u did loved me, and we became a couple, what would happen today? we would have gone our separate ways? that we would be an open relationship kinda couple. maybe. probably.

but the way we parted; that open, empty way, just like e tarmac that fell away from the road, is how it ended for u and me.

khong, khong khong...suddenly ith ink about the past times. it's like, my good old days, about being besotted, that kind of innocent love, is over. so so over. it's over. wil never be able to recapture it again. even tho i used to say that i could. but in e end, i doubted i would have. it's gone.

now what would i give the world for? hmm...i dunno, really. maybe for immortality. it would make me rest in my heart. perhaps not, knowing how anxious i felt. i'd be fretting about how i would live alone, and how i would go on and on. hahaha.

maybe happiness. it's the most direct, and best way of achieving it. tat's why all you need is just to 'FEEL' the happiness, and u will be happy. yes, i think that's v true. give up everything else in your heart; all worries, pain, discomfort, etc, and happiness will land on your head, if u just keenly call out to it. it's like that lovely dove that u can call out to.

FUCK YOU!

I DONT WANT TO DIE!¬ I DONT WANT TO DIE! I DONT WANT TO DIE!

FUCK YOU ALL
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKF CUCK FF CUFIFKLC FOYYOU ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

good thoughts today

1) sorted out most of the office shit
2) finished w another section of my novel
3) didn't hear all that fuckshit in my ear in e train/in bus way home (147)
4) thot a lot about the happy times in majorca, egypt and the power of good thots
5) weight didn't go down compared to yesterday

second day - tinnitus or whatever it is

i sat in office. today felt bit better. but later, when i went out, i sorta felt worse. i dunno if i will really ever feel better.

i felt both e worse and the best.
i felt that i will die soon. but if i were to die feeling so well, i didn't mind. but of course i would. at the same time, i was hearing e buzzing while in e office boardroom listening to the fucking old fart talk shit, i thot to myself that i want to think good thots and be happy and want to start to desire again. want so many things. because i realise that i've been feeling down and sian for sometime now that i dun even realise it...

i started to think about majorca. i want to go back to that place w duh. i miss him so much. i missed the beautiful murals, wonderful feel of the old town, walking in e maze-like streets, savouring e atmosphere during siesta, admiring the ice white notre dame of majorca, etc

i just miss all of them i realise. now, it's just nothing but me alone here, doing all this shit. i just hate everywhere cos it's so fucking packed. i miss having peace, slowly being able to recover but then, i doubt it'll ever happen. this can only happen in my head and i must be able to do that on my own. but i doubt it will. i dunno what to say because honestly, i feel lousy now. very very lousy.

edmund, pls get well. pls dont have cancer, or tumour, or kidney problem or leukemia or other nerve problem or diabetes, etc

just be good. be happy.

ringing/droning/buzzing in my ear

i dunno what's wrong w me or my life. i hear this thing in my head the past 2 days, includinglast fri and i worry about a tumour in my head/neck/face, leukaemia, kidney problem/failure, etc. it frightens me. tremendously.

my whole life is in fear. i dunno what will happen. or if my strength will grow. i'd rather not have to undergo such adversity in order to learn that kinda strength.

i dunno. so many thots. swirling. that vortex. tommrow i wanted to take leave. now i cant. i dunno y. maybe there is a purpose. hopefuly, it isnt a medical one. i m afraid. frightened. petrified. i dunno y. it's just that life is so full of uncertainty and i see nothing but darkness, pitch black, a liquid so dark it's swirling, waiting to wrap itself around me and swallowing my whole. it is awful, to know that one is sliding inot that zone, that place where u will not return, to become nothing, to return to nothingness. it is awful. is it?

i dunno. dunno anymore. i fear for my loved ones, i fear for myself. i fear.

today...

wasnt as awful as yesterday or the day before but just that my stomach is awful. bloated, gassy. etc

anyway, now reading bio of yves saintlaurent. i relaly hope to get in to the MA program of my choice. sick of this stupid job. hate it hate it.

ok, i dun quite hate it. just restless. i dunno. i was telling a friend that day that i CARICATURISE myself, which means that i make myself out to be someone larger than life, more hurtful than ppl think.

in that sense, annie, i think you've disappointed me tremendously. u've judged me. i'm sorry you did.

anyway, why am i talking about annie again.

ok. ohmmmmmmm.....let e past go. haha

let me see, what else do i want to say?
that life is short; that being at 35, i m jittery about dying already. and i really hope not to n should be quick to just move on to DO THINGS and NOT WASTE TIME. yes, that's what i m doing everyday: writing my novel. today, i checked it out. felt that the content wasn't that bad, as i had made it out to be, or felt it t be. perhaps it'll be a gem when i put it together? yes, i hope so. :)

love and kisses to u edmund,
love and kisses,
edmund (haha)

now reading the bio of Yves Saint Laurent.

today...awful

felt really shitty in e morning. felt as if i couldnt get to work. i mean i went to work but i sat in e office cubicle, feeling that i couldnt get to work.

i really couldn't take it. i hate my colleagues. i dun hate them lah, just dislike them. dunno what's wrong w them. they are so aloof. they are like, abnormal ppl who are so reserved, as if someone abused them or soemthing, aiyoh.

and i hate my work. it sux loh. i mean, my office environment not a bad place; i relax relax and also dun have much to do - NOW. but then, i just hate the monotony, the boredom of the work, so dull, so plain, nothing interesting - i mean, LIFE SCIENCES - how interesting is that?

i just have to bide my time. wait and wait and wait. until that day when i can finally leave. when would that be? a comfortable time would be in August, just after my drving test. then i would have saved sufficiently to leave for france. if i leave for france.

i want out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want to go back to magazine publishing, etc

i dunno leh. maybe i m crazy.

i will b miserableee even if i went to paris...

because i carry 'hell' with me and i have carried that baggage of OCD over the past years WITHOUT realising that it's been plaguing me and i must LET GO and STOP this obsessive fucking stupid SHIT, and STOP allowing my karma t CONTINUE to plague my LIFE and my mom's and roland's becaus ei will continue to CREATE BAD KARMA by LOSING MY TEMPER with others as long as i let my STUPID FUCKING FUCKING IDIOTIIC OCD GO ON.

I MUST FUCKING STOP!!

meeting brother bhante kovida

today i met him. it was a nice experience. i would say that i normally didnt found the experience of meeting someone of higher spiritual level very intimidating, even stultifying. but later on, as i warmed up to him as he did to me - we spent 4 hours talking! - i realised that he was very casual and very approachable and i appreciated that tremendously.

i feel very grateful to him. that he bothered to even meet a stranger like me. and he spoke to me about many things. i really hope that i can learn qi gong from him and meditation. he did teach me meditative approaches like the laotian one that a laotian monk taught him.

we shared many things, and there were too many things to put down here. i guess, i 'm just tired from the exchange too and that today, my mind was too agitated to be able to calm down, or be happy. but i want to and i want to.

i hope to help him or be of use to him the way he has been to me. :)

thank you brother bhante.

may you be well and happy
may you be peaceful and calm
may you be well and healthy
may you be protected from danger and suffering.

on a differnet note, i've been feeling very disturbed again.
feel agitated becos of my weight thing.
mrning i weighed bout 69.9kg. ysterday morning, without food or water about 69.3kg - SEE i'm becoming OBSESSIVE!
at night, just after drinking, altho still short of about 250g of water, i weighed 67.7kg. i have to tell myself that my weight is in the same region as before and that i must STOP being unhappy and insecure, as I HAD BEEN AT WARWICK.

i DONT WANT TO BE THIS UNHAPPY when i get to paris and i must OVERCOME this fear and insecurity because it's RUINING my happiness and by letting this RUIN my hapiness, i m LETTING MY MOTHER AND PARTNER DOWN.

also, as my neurosis is not just about weight - it's about MY LIFE. because i used to have this neurosis and it was about gym, etc but now, i'm still ALLOWING IT TO RUIN MY HAPPINESS.
EDMUND, STOP BEING A FUCKING IDIOT. grow up and stop thinking obsessively about your weight because it's the FUCKING SAME.

e floodgates of joy opened today at Simei foodcourt

i sat by the foodcourt and ate my food, wondering why I couldnt really enjoy my food. later, when i finished my meal, i was trying to read but could not quite focus. then i realised...

i was happy.

happiness was not the 2-sec, in-a-dribble affair. this time, the floodgates opened. and i really could feel the energy surging through me, engulfing my being. really loved it. i thot to myself: this is what it is, the feeling of not needing distractions, of being open to nothing but this sensation/emotion and not needing anyone or any opiate (love or distraction).

this is called happiness.

why?
i think i just felt at peace. after going to see my TCM doctor, i just felt that i could be at ease, just like the after effect of meditation. i could sit there, without having to meditate yet i felt truly happy. really happy. just without needing anything else. this is prehaps the state i should strive for. and then i think to myself: maybe this could be what i am doing in future - just being alone and being just happy.

but it won't be easy. that feeling left later. i think it's the distractions; the PEOPLE, the passing thoughts, the anger, etc, which clouded the anger, or rather, sent my 'happiness' packing.

i strive to achieve this more in future.

my TCM doctor today said something strange to me: "if u dont get cured after this round of medication, perhaps you should go see someone who's better."

my face fell. or ratehr, my heart, not my face. i lost faith in him, i said surely u dont mean u can't cure me. is it that my case is serious???

he said NO. ur case is not a big/serious case at all. then? he just said he felt bad for making me go to him yet he could not cure me yet. i felt even more surprised he said that.

later, he saw my dismay and said, dont worry, "wo yi ding yao ba ni zhi hao!" - verbatim.

i asked him how long it takes ppl to get cured. he said 3 months should be all right.
i dont know. i really dont know how long it'll take me.

anyhow, later, i spoke to the nurse outside. she said that he always spoke to people like this. this lack of confidence?? anyway, she said if it helped me, i should continue and not let this affect me.

maybe i wanted security from him. not maybe. definitely. i can't help NOT thinking ahead, that in a month's time, if he doesnt cure me, then i'm like, incurable?

i hope not. but life is like this, innit. it's just full of stuff that might happen ahead but we only choose to worry about what we can worry cos that's only what we can do! but does it mean that life is more secure? NO WAY. it's just a kind of quixotism.

i must strive to let go. to be above fear. to stop fearing. i must.

now on my thoughts:
1) weight loss
2) fear of not recovering - gallstones
3) fear of not staying in this job and getting enough $
4) fear of not passing HIV and Hep C test
5) health fears for my loved ones
6) fear of not getting into university paris diderot.

so many! w e f!!

i will try my best not to think of them...

talking and yakking

havent been in here for about10 days? i realised...
been sick a couple of days.

my weight again! bugging me.

the 2nd day, i weighed myself: 68kg at home.

the 1st day, i was 67.3kg

the 2nd day, i was 67.5kg

TODAY, i am 67.1kg.

f£$^...sigh. i lost weight! so sian.

maybe i didnt. maybe i did. aiyah, i dunno leh, feel sian. worried.

realise that everyday, i have been preoccupied about my weight and my girth. each day, i feel that my weight is dropping because my pants are so LOOSE.

1) am i really losing weight?
- 67.5kg to 68kg to 67kg. about same?

Does thinking about my weight or thinking about my weight INCREASE IT?
- NO.

so? STOP THINKING ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT.

fears?
- fear that my weight will keep dropping.

what will it do for me if i keep thinking abot my weight?
- NOTHING. -> same goes for if i go to paris and what has happened over past 2 years at warwick, etc....it is torment.

edmund u must STOP.

is there evidence that your weight fluctuates over past 2 years?

YES. it DINGDONGS UP AND DOWN. but in the end, it's still very much e same? -> think luton, warwick, etc

therefore, STOP FREAKING OUT.

on a different note, i want to do other things.
i want to get in to Uni of Paris and be happy!
i want to save enough till ... yippee!
i want to be happy! just happy!
i m praying...

what did i eat today...

still on this neurosis of mine

today i had:

breakfast
2 slices of bread
1 banana

lunch
rice with vegetables and chicken
TEH

afternoon
carrot juice
yam bun

dinner
sakae salad
grilled chicken w rice

supper
papaya
slice of cake

rage

does nothing for you.

yes, i admit it. nothing. absolutely nothing. just burns away all your good karma.

i RESOLVE NOT TO BURN AWAY MY KARMA because it's not worth for those motherfucking idiots out there. yes, i must try to be so calm and cool because the moment i let myself rage inside, i have LOST.

i must be cool. i must keep my cool.

anger comes from myself and it is myself who is raging. i wil harm myself and no one else will know but myself.

why am i always upset with other people? why do i always want to Win? to take revenge? because i think it's necessary for me to show them who's boss. but why? i have been trying ot udnerstand myself. why was i so indignant when my tenant continues to defy me and invites her entire clan to the house?

2 possibilities:
tenant is a bitch. tries to irritate me

tenant is NOT a bitch. tries to get e best deal for herslef.

anger-what role does anger play? to show that i m boss and that i do get upset and show them i mean business.

why do i want to mean biz? that i CANT BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED?
but i get upset, does it mean that ppl are SCared???? NO.ppl wil do whatever they want to and they dont care even if u are angry. some people just will get more pissed off and wont run, like i think.

therefore my assumption is when i show ppl i m angry, people will RESPECT ME - SO NOT TRUE AT ALL.

- people will only start to act crazy if u go beyond a certain level of hostility.

another thing is ; will people respect you if u get upset or throw tantrum? no. they will only dislike u more and hate u more. highly possible.

i had another theory about anger. if u want others to respect u and etc....when u dont see ugly things, u GET THE IMPRESSION it means all is well. but is it true? no. the nastiness is still there. just because my tenant did not TELL ME THAT SHE WANTS T ASK HER ENTIRE CLAN TO COME, doesnt mean that she is not planning to do so.

my point is: u get upset only when u see the nasty things or stupid things ppl do. but it doesnt mean that they havent thought the thought and your anger is directed at those people because u think that they're thinking e thot. but u have to learn to accept that they've started to think those thoughts and already have been thinking those thoughts. accept it. learnt to accept it. that life is full of this shit and is NOT AS WONDERFUL AS U THINK but u must learn to accept it and stop feeling angry.

u are angry because u can't accept the truth about life: the ugly harsh truths.

CATHARSIS -> u havent accepted the truth about life's harsh realities.

work...

i have been working for several weeks liao. well 3 to be exact.

i dont particularly like e job. i dunno what i m doing in that ccockhole. i shouldnt swear. i think i should be beter now. anyway, i keep counting my days...to august, my driving practical test. ihope i pass.

on a different note, i have been tihnking a lot about buddhism. today, was thinking about homosexuality and buddhism. i was wondering y the dalai lama would condemn it and immediately, i dismissed him, and his authority (sorry) and even the Buddha. but i checked the net later and realised that i shouldnt ahve doubts. i did have my doubts and really, i shouldnt have. shouldnt be so quick to judge.

anyway, i dunno what to say liao. too warm, too humid, too tired.

i know the compassion in me...

is growing. certainly. quite sure of it.

but that serpent tongue of mine is still hanging around for a while longer. i still get a kick out of saying soemthing mean. what's wrong w me???

anyway, today, i went to my aunt's. then walked to dover mrt. the weather was kind of sucky. yucky. made my way into the train, sat next to someone who coughed quite badly and i left and went to antoehr carriage.

i walked to the kopitiam by e driving centre. had my meal. oh yes...i remember now. there was this maid or something, who SAT smack in my seat and by my table when i clearly had indicated that i had taken up the place there - i left my bag and my umbrella there. and of all the places she had to sit, she took mine.

maybe it's a test of patience of sorts. these days, i 'm looking for signs all the time. hahaha. yes, if it's a good one, why not? am i not right? after all, if u cheat urself just to make urself feel better, SURE, y not???

i didnt want to tell her off because i felt that i didnt have to. and that i should maintain my equanimity.

later, attended driving classes with a new instructor. yuck, i really dislike going to the group of men who own their own cars. yuck. it's disgusting. today's smelled liek the uncle had been farting in there for so long. and today, when doing my U-turn, i went up the fucking kerb. OMG. i should be ASHAMED F MESELF...keke.

later, had a bit of a migraine/headache and hung around the mrt station, cos my head was really hurting. then, went to holland v and sat down, and had kaya loti. and then, spoke to an auntie, who had a flu/cold. and i told her tips on what she should brew or drink in order to recover from her flu as wel as general upkeeping of one's pyhsical well-being tips. :) good me. hehe.

i think it's true indeed, helping others and being kind to others is very gratifying. but of course, i still find it difficult to do that to arrogant ppl. somehow, arrogant ppl make me feel that they are having a good time, therefore they shouldnt be helped and that they deserve to be made to feel like shit. well, that's a very erroneous view and i really hope to change that. :)

i have so many feaRS, etc; fear of not getting enough sleep, fear of not being well, fear of being stressed (As opposed to really being stressed - how FUCKING STUPID OF ME), fear of loved ones' not feeling well, fear of being poor, fear of being looked down upon, fear of financial instability, fear of instability. I LIVE IN FEAR! what the fuck. stupid me. i must let it go (or at least in order to go to the pureland).

Buddhism says one shouldnt have fear in one's heart.

gdnite edmund!

back!

yes, i almost forgot i have this blog.

i been in a tizzy for a bit. actually, it's not new. i know ppl know i m in a tizzy but i realised that many people do not realyl understand or know me at all. it's disappointing. but to have people not understand u and hold it against you; i.e, misunderstand you and steer away, then i find it quite difficult to accept.

regardless...i was reading soemthing about forgiveness that day. i dunno y. but of late, i have been receiving 'gifts' of sorts; the 4D, the signs i have been seeing - the 2 pigeons nestled in the grass, the strange vacant lift that waits for me at my block, the realisatio that some ppl in my life are really my 'guardian' angels - my mom and roland, who have always been by my side, something i dun quite understand because sometimes, i do think that i'm quite rotten to the core yet they're like godsend, and yes, in many ways,i dont deserve them and the only way i can rationalise their presence is that they're here to guide me - show me the right path. indeed, i am most fortunate. i read somewhere today about an analogy about how a man drowns because he wanted to wait for God, but really, God had come by in the disguise of fisherman, which the drowned man had passed up the chance to be saved by him.

last night, i met another person, a taxi drive whom i spoke to and wanted to help initially but later, turned out that he 'ENLIGHTENED' me instead; speaking to me about the buddhist-like teachings he had learned on his own - he said he is a FREE THINKER.

then, i think about my own mistakes in life; the huge huge mistakes and bad karma but i think to myself, maybe it's true, i should stop feeling guilty, STOP FEELING GUILTY and start learning to FORGIVE and forgive OTHERS at the same time, and also that, perhaps my mistakes were what had 'opened' my eyes to see what i had done and what i SHOULD DO in future.

i wrote down the names of all the people who i hate/disliked, yesterday and i sat at a kopitiam, feeling sad, down, almost teary at one point as i listened to No Air by Jordin Sparks. then, i wrote down and tried to come up with the names of 30 over people who had helped me too; whose kindness was only during a moment but something that i remembered. in that sense, i have relived their kindness once again and they have come to my rescue once again. i thk you all.

there was a positive thought; i think i might want to become a HOUSING AGENT! hehehe. 1k$ per month is also bette rthan nothing. :)

disillusioned

i feel q disillusioned today.

spoke to my best friend. she didnt 'quite need me' these past two weeks. why? because she went home to her mom. i am seeing a trend - she only calls me to whine and the only reason, i feel, is that she needs an outlet.

honestly, i m sick of it. the rest of it, i know what she does and i'm not going to air it here but i'm frankly quite sick of it. i hate people taking me for granted. it's something i won't tolerate and i will frankly, drop whoever who tries that w me. including that idiot reece.

fuck her.

i think i'm the only one who reads my blog. lol

i went to the national library today; it was ok lah. quite quiet. actually, TOO quiet. went to chinatown. saw chinese prostitutes; male and female. it was rather interesting watching them, i found.

the chinese girls are quite coy and the male prostitutes, from china, are really TALL and not that goodlooking but have a rather exotic look.

anyway, i didnt wnat them to think that i'm a 'prostitute' competing w them too; or whatever lah, so i quickly left.

i went to my cousin to have my teeth checked. she did an x-ray of my teeth and she said that i had MANY HOLES IN MY MOUTH. i got q depressed cos i feel insecure. ALL MY LIFE i've felt INSECURE. i dont know why but perhaps, and most likely, i realised that it was because of my father's death. it had always dogged me and i have never quite let go of it; or rather, this demon has never let me go.

i felt insecure again. i feel inseure all e time. but someone once said that what's e point of thinking so far ahead. life is so short and all these worries will get me nowhere. that's what i learned from buddhism. perhaps it's called being frivolous. but perhaps that's e reality of life; that we cannot contorl a lot of things and ultimately, we have to let go of the worries and just continue. this is how survivors make it, isnt it? through concentration camp internment, etc...internment in that tiny box in prison,e tc

i feel so bitter

so damn bitter. bitter bitter bitter....................................................................................

a strange blog...

i want to work on the loving-kindness meditation

1) think of myself: good thoughts: may good things happen for me; may i be well and healthy, may i be peaceful and calm; may i be protected from bad things and people, may i be happy and joyous.

2) a person i really respect and love

3) a person i deeply love

4) a neutral person. eg shopkeeper

5) a person i dislike (that wont be difficult i have a long list...)

i want to be a better person; to be nicer; to be at peace w the world; to make peace; to be nicer; to rid myself of the bad karma; to be a patient person; to stop the UNPLEASANT experiences in my life; to only have the good pleasant things in life (for a start; then later move on to the 'neutral' things)

good things today:

1) had a great time w jacq
2) was more patient w buddy
3) had a nice time at yakun
4) the girl at yakun was friendly and nice to me
5) didnt have to queue at aji-tei

realisation

i realise that when i think about those people who haunt me; like marc, wishing him etc, or people like bee ong, i know that i m compassionate and that i m not really wishing them bad things; i cant be 100 per cent sure but i dont think im that kind o person because i know that i when i see them sad, down, pained, i dont want it. i will also feel sad.

i just wnat to say that i dont want to curse people. i just want to renounce the anger in me and that i want to process it out beause i feel its toxicity in me. i cant say i wish for all gd things to happen t people but i wish for good things to good people now, i really really do.

i promise the Buddha that i will promise to do my best to be a better person. i will do my best.

i dont want anybad things to befall my loved ones. i only wish for good things to befall them.

peace.

lovelies...

1)had lunch w mom today
2) went to gym; saw UNCLE! was a nice surprise. chatted briefly. i dont know why but i kinda liked his father figure thingy. i had a father but not one whom i felt loved me terribly; rather, it was always a distant figure, cold and faroff. somehow, it was nice to feel as if i was being loved by an older man; a father figure. saw oli pettigrew. oh god, i dnt wnat to go there.
3) went to holland v and found a nice spot in the middle of ya kun. great. asked the ladies if it was taken. it WASNT!
4)went to starbux and it was QUIET - great. charged my laptop; then went to have dinner. felt better liao.
5) wentback to yakun and did bit of work. was quite good and did quite a good bit today. i am glad!

this is a fruitful day!

on other thoughts:

been wondering about whether how i should let go my anger/fear/disappointment/love/sadness, etc. i dunno how to 'process' it other than wishing bad things onto another person. it's bad, not good. i dont want to. my light side tells me it's wrong. really. what should i do? i dont know...

i want to express it; let it go. it's about time. i dont want to see it again. but somehow, coming back to sg, makes me see it again i just feel that it all rush back in a tide.

i dun even know what i'm writing about anymore.

all i can say is that i fucking hate all of you fucks -
1) deborah maak - just a fucking bitch
2) wee teck - fucking paedophile
3) marc almgro - fucking loser who might just die alone someday in an oldfolks home - this is NOT a curse.
4) pramila kaur - hypocritical cunt who can't keep her leg shut to a stranger-desperado
5) jacinta ho - hypocritical bitch; the reason why many people won't go to church
6) denis pua - u fucking idiot who can't keep your cock in ur pants
7) teo boonpin - u fucking faggot; i wonder how u managed to use your dick on jacinta a bush in the garden
8) ong sohchin - u fucking idiot who cant spell, fuck you fuck you fuck you - i wnder how u got to where you were - u're too damn ugly to be fuckable i just wonder why; btu then, many str8 men just have a dick that can't think or discern so it's just all about a hole, isnt it?
9) bee ong - fucking act-posh bitch turned yoga instructor - u look like a clamped up cunt, i.e a tight mussel
10) alfian - u fucking cockhead snob - look at how intelectual you are now; that's y u can't even be a relief teacher cos the entire govt knows you are a FUCKING MUSLIM FAGGOT wth a hole dying to be plugged
11) CYRIL w - u fucking poet who writes so many autobiographical poems that i just think you're pure rubbish - btw, if u're reading this, i showed one of my profs your poems and he rubbished it, saying it was 'cliche' beyond belief
12) THE MOTHRFUCKERS AT SILVERFISH WRITING - fuck you! if i ever win a booker prize, u can forget about the interview i'll give. not that i am dying to but i guess u bunch of fuckheads are just pathetic losers who reallly believe that you are the bloomsbury gang in...er....MALAYFUCKINGSIA.
13) sharon bakar - F U C K Y O U - and go home! :) peace...


ok, i'll continue tomorrow

on beauty ...

1) the girl who served me at ya kun said "BYE!"....these things do matter, dont they??? tbey should! :)

2) sat at starbux and charged my laptop. lovely! best of all, it was all F.O.C.

3) i got an offer to go for another round of interview - 2nd but i turned it down cos i didnt want to be a bad person.

4) had dinner and felt ok after dinner; didnt feel hungry again and all tat...

5) had a good chat w my best friend on phone - i wasnt a bitch to her.

6) liked 'tears that dry on my own' by amy i hate your cunt winehouse.

7) arranged to meet with pals; melissa and CINDY CRAWFORD!?!

ps: this is called therapy

disclaimer: this is not for karmaic effect.

i fucking hate you tan kheng hua. i think u're a fucking ugly woman trapped in a man's face. you fucking ugly tranny face. u fucking piece of shit. fuck you. i wish that you will just fuck the hell out of this world. i just hate you hate you hate you hate you hate you.

selena tan, you fucking ugly watermelon. i dunno where the fuck did you roll out from but i absolutely think that you should just explode! i just hate you. hate the hell out of you and dont ever want to see your fucking fat face again.

screw you screw you screw you all I FUCKING HATE ALL OF YOU AND I JUST DONT WANT TO SEE ANY OF YOU AGAIN. I NEED TO EXORCISE THE FUCKHEADS OUT OF MY LIFE. AND THAT'S YOU. YOU ALL, YOU FUCKING MOTHER FUCKERS ALL. GO AND FUCK YOURSELF. I DUN KNOW WHY U WERE BORN IN THE FIRST PLACE; TAN KHENG HUA PROBABLY TO MARRY LIM YUBENG YOU shiteheads.

good things yesterday

1) had a good time w an old pal; we sat at haagen dazs talking about her sex life. lol

2) my article is out in Luxx; but the story is WRONG! (instead of savile row, it showed luxury 2nd kitchens)

3) a sistic lady was so nice to me and let me pick up e tickets even tho the counter was already closed - i sang to her (it's now or never).

notes

1) had a nice pleasant surprise when leo msned me; he's in york now and i'm really pleased to know that at least he wasnt upset w me cos i 'made him pack my boxes and sent them to luton from coventry'. lol

2) had wifi from the kopitiam at blk 9. YIPPEE!

3) did bit of work in record time at kopitiam.

4) took a nice walk to and back from holland v

talking through w my counsellor

just met my counsellor today. was nice. i m beginning to warm up to her, as she to me, i think.

anyway, were talking. talking about the 5 diff levels of emotions:

1) anger
2) sadness
3) disappointment
4) fear
finally 5) forgiveness

apparently, i have lots of anger still. i want to work on it! yes! i must! i can do it. there is alot of guilt in me and i must to overcome them and learn to forgive myself and forgive the world.

gd things:
1) was quite quiet at chinatown dessert shop
2) got a place at the dessert shop
3) got a freelance deal with 2 magazine today (for tomasz donocik)
4) had a gd chat w my counsellor

i enjoy having lunches w my mom; sitting down and talking and chatting with her over a cup of teh. ah...finally, perhaps i m beginning to delight in e moment and savour life. i hope so.

wonderful things in life

today went to kuan yin temple and prayed. felt that it was a good thing.
then, went to pick up my laptop. 200$ but then, still, at least i got it back.

then, later i went to tkae a bus, 147 - what coincidence! and stopped before the bus turned elsewhere (diverted). glad that i did and that someone shouted so that i knew and could get off.

then, finally, i sat down and got the place i wanted, just by e verandah and had a great view of the street, etc and the people.

then, went to catch a movie, JUMPER, which was quite dumb but ok lah, cant complain.

regrets

i dunno y but i just felt like going thorugh some of old shots. wish i could scan them and put them here. i think i'll do that later.

anyway, was just thinking about seeing shots of my brother and me, fatehr and mother, etc. so many difernet shots.

i keep tihnking about those stupid smiles, reluctant smiles, grouchy faces (mom), tired looking dad, goofy eugene my brother, etc.

i see myself through time: me as an idiot boy, mostly sulky. so amny things. aiyah, dunno where to start. i just feel kinda sad. i kinda wished that i had this level of consciousness back then and so life would begin, really really begin then. but now, it's just only starting and it's strange, ppl always truly start to live only when they're going to die; or in a broader sense, which i'd like to think is more justified: people only start to live when they see the end. and that's sad. u know what i mean?

i love my mom and i wish i had spent more time together in the past. not that we dont. we do now. we spend a lot of time while i'm BUMMING and NOT EARNING $. still, sometimes, well, a lot of times, i feel helpless and wished and wonder if she has any regrets. that perhaps she might regret not being younger now. i dunnoo. maybe it's just me projecting my thoughts onto hers. it's stuipid, i always do that. w the f

thoughts

is singapore a waste of my time?

i dunno. i feel kinda lost. like, im just floating along. whereas, i think overseas, that feeling is less. maybe im just giving myself an excuse.

but that not so wonderful feeling is cos i'm not sleeping well. i keep waking up at odd hours, lik 3 plus, etc. strange. then it continues, and goes on,...and goes on and on and on. the deepest part of my sleep is in the morning from 6 plus to about 10.

maybe i'm giving myself flak for not being able to finish my work. the trick to longevity is perhaps to be able to kan de kai. to be open about things and not to force things if they dont work out. just to accept. sigh...i m still learning.

i think i've matured in many ways since. but still i have much to learn.

...

feeling kinda blue. dunno y. probably triggered by my stomach thing. i think worsened by the documentary on tv.

showing that 101 year-old who lived so fucking long and then, it kinda made me depressed. live so long and still so happy. i wish. i m envious. really. truly.

i must outwit, outplay. outlast!

missing something...

always. i seemt o do that a lot. miss paris right now. over past few days actually.

i think i just kind of got sick of sg. i love my family but here, i dont know. i end up worrying about paying e bills, etc and i cant do what i need to - my novel. i know, i havent been doing it much yet if i dont do my writing, of course, i'll end up thinking of rubbish, etc...

dunno what e f. i guess i take sg for granted. i do miss e anonymity overseas but here, i get or rather, i feel that i get judged all the time - even for my shrinking frame. sigh.

living in sg

i dunno y. it's strange. this time, coming back to sg. leaves me feeling different.

e last time, i felt very close to home. like my relative. now, sg is just an overfamiliar relative.

last time round, e fears of overseas living made me that way. now, it's e opp. it's like living here, means that the demons are cming back - weight issue!?!

but then, if my weight issue disappears, maybe so will the fears about the weight thing.

i dunno what's happening but i know fear. F E A R. it's very big. in my heart, it seemed to have swallowed me whole, and left e skin behind, covering it like a blanket.

more thoughts...what else

1) luton's weather was cold therefore affected my metabolism
2) i put on weight on the contrary since the 64kg to 65.5kg since
3) i lost weight only when i first went there; not after
4) housemate also lost weight
5) thoughts are stupid and waste of time cos i've spent years upset over the gym stupid cant sleep at night stress fuck; and ruined my career.
6) everytime i get upset like this, i m hurting my mother-no matter how indirectly
7) i am wasting my TIME!

suddenly, i wish for the calm, peaceful and quiet place of luton where i can just chill out; no comparisons, etc...

thoughts...

yesterday went to a friend's place for lunch, then dinner. met up w another pal from where i used to go to sch.

cooked thai-styled beef. everythhing went well, then, we talked about buddhism; death, temples, their extravagance,etc.

kind of freaky. wanted to get hold of this sutra thing, t iprove on my health. etc.

later, somehow, that night, got feeling hungry again and just freaked out. couldnt sleep again. slept at about 2am, woke up at 2.30, then woke up almost 2 hours later, and another...

felt like really freaked out about death. but ppl have been telling me: die, what's e worse? die die loh. how sangfroid.
how easy it is to say that, when one is in e pink of health...but has anyone seen a v sick man say otherwise?

i'm not q sure. anyway, i'm just like, wondering how strange it is...

death and sickness. i dunno y but i find that in e past, it's like when u read textx on buddhism, i didnt ever feel so affllicted by these words. but somehow, now, it's very terrible, very i my mind, ever so, almost like every minute of the day and it's really gettig to me.

but i've wasted so much of my time in the past to these concerns; gym, etc. i thinkt o myself: how laughable you've been. how much time you've wasted. now, i mustnt repeat e mistkae. i can at least try not to.

home

back home in sg. frigging tired. well, technically cos now, i'm supposed to b sleeping in london, if i were still in london...

journey back was ok. just that i sat next to this brit guy? and he was coughing all e way. fucking gross.

came back home. found out that i really was 66kg. wtf!? what is wrong w me? my body? fuck. i just feel kinda distraught again. about the whole fucking weight thing. anyway, time for chicken rice downstairs...

london...again...fun

went london.met up w pal, emma.

took shots. there were 2 guys who say hello to us at the O Bar and they were cool. doubt they were trying to pick up us or emma. just friendly danish ppl? yes, think so.

then, took a fuckign 2 1/2 hr train/bus ride back to luton.

on way, met some weird ppl on bus. but nice otherwise - girl said to roland: "oh get lost, you and your luton. that's just 1/2 way where i'm going."

hahaha.

good thoughts

today spoke to gd pal. but 1/2way through e conversation, when most things were alreaDY DISCUSSED, did the phone break down. that's NOT a bad thing.

went gym. despite sleeping so little, i managed to do a 12min brisk walk plus weights.

went to arndale mall, didnt feel jitters which was great, despite my horrid haircut at the side.

there was a last chelsea bun left; again!

bot two bottles of drinks for partner. good (heart i have, i mean)

got 2 writing deals - and sorted my emails to the all-biz-class airlines. yippee!

saw some nice clips of lin chin hsia, etc on youtube

good thoughts

amazing thing today is that in the morning, there was a fucking water shortage, then during lunch, suddenly it came on again! just in time for lunch before it fucking disappeared again!

it was meant to ALLOW me to COOK MY LUNCH! wahahaha

victoria and albert john madejski garden

love it. gorgeous italianate courtyard. was at v&a last weekend. wonderful surprise. outside was stodgy architecture, weighed down by the red bricks, etc and the blackened walls. but inside, this garden waS A REAL surprise. apparently v young. only redesigned in 2005. such a ontrast.

good thoughts today

1) stomach ok past few days, mostly except for hunger near sleeping time at 1am plus
2) did bit of writing and sorting out of plot
3) went to gym early
4) SUN TODAY!
5) got mail from eugene about new phone n address in paris
6) spoke to mom
7) spoke to ms yp
8) had belgian bun today (fuckin sweet)
9) packed my bag in a jiffy
10) read some tittle-tattle
11) realised that i shouldnt waste my time on fucking idiots
12) phone's WORKING!

goody thoughts today

good things today:

1) listened to 'inspiring' CHER's BELIEVE at the gym today
2) stomach relatively ok over past few days
3) people from pac net called today to try to resolve issue at night: OFF THEIR OWN BAT! amazing isnt it
4) did bit of writing today; resolved bit of this and that
5) saw NANNY DIARIES AGAIN: heart warming
6) went to arndale mall and didnt feel any fear in my heart at all: seem to be kinda immune to those fears
7) went to gym and worked out triceps too: no gastric after or feeling hungry. :)

another memory raker

such a gorgeous GIRL! omg. yang lin is the epitome of womenhood. so gorgeous, lovely skin, luminous, ahh....lovely voice, vivacious...wah so many things.

another memory raker

london's chinese restaurants

i just went to one for lunch; near south kensington tube. awful service. fucking faggot waiter had so much attitude as the amount of fat on his royal corporeal highness. fucking fucking faggot with attitude.

then, for dinner, went to FOUR SEASONS. they had 6 staff looking at us and COMPLETELY IGNORING US.

i left to MAGIC WOK and the food was not bad. repeat trip. BUT the fucking loony boss who kept singing while serving IGNORED US WHEN WE LEFT BUT CHOSE to say bye to a caucasian couple leaving.

WHAT FUCKING RACISTS.

on a lighter note, the food was nice but i doubt i'm going back again. fuckers.

e very talented mavis fan

tomorrow i am going to marry you

wow, the guitar work...memories flow in

across the seas to see you

dont want to go...

seagull

oh fucking love this song. v v nice and memories...

long lost song

i remembered listening to this like once upon a time.

lotus in the snow...

the memories come back swiftly, like the scent which takes down that curtain of time, bringing you back to that exact moment; the walls, faces and the sounds. how amazing songs are.

nice song eh...havent heard this in a bit

INCOMPETENT STUPIDITIES

first it was DBS bank. now it's pacific internet. i dont know what's wrong with singaporean companies. they fucking fuck up and they still act blur.

FUCK YOU-->

friend talk

the thing is, i dun fucking like to selfcensor what i write but i have no choice becos in case ppl read them, they'll think i'm mad. fuck, now i can't even write wat i wanna on my own fucking blog.