thoughts

is singapore a waste of my time?

i dunno. i feel kinda lost. like, im just floating along. whereas, i think overseas, that feeling is less. maybe im just giving myself an excuse.

but that not so wonderful feeling is cos i'm not sleeping well. i keep waking up at odd hours, lik 3 plus, etc. strange. then it continues, and goes on,...and goes on and on and on. the deepest part of my sleep is in the morning from 6 plus to about 10.

maybe i'm giving myself flak for not being able to finish my work. the trick to longevity is perhaps to be able to kan de kai. to be open about things and not to force things if they dont work out. just to accept. sigh...i m still learning.

i think i've matured in many ways since. but still i have much to learn.

...

feeling kinda blue. dunno y. probably triggered by my stomach thing. i think worsened by the documentary on tv.

showing that 101 year-old who lived so fucking long and then, it kinda made me depressed. live so long and still so happy. i wish. i m envious. really. truly.

i must outwit, outplay. outlast!

missing something...

always. i seemt o do that a lot. miss paris right now. over past few days actually.

i think i just kind of got sick of sg. i love my family but here, i dont know. i end up worrying about paying e bills, etc and i cant do what i need to - my novel. i know, i havent been doing it much yet if i dont do my writing, of course, i'll end up thinking of rubbish, etc...

dunno what e f. i guess i take sg for granted. i do miss e anonymity overseas but here, i get or rather, i feel that i get judged all the time - even for my shrinking frame. sigh.

living in sg

i dunno y. it's strange. this time, coming back to sg. leaves me feeling different.

e last time, i felt very close to home. like my relative. now, sg is just an overfamiliar relative.

last time round, e fears of overseas living made me that way. now, it's e opp. it's like living here, means that the demons are cming back - weight issue!?!

but then, if my weight issue disappears, maybe so will the fears about the weight thing.

i dunno what's happening but i know fear. F E A R. it's very big. in my heart, it seemed to have swallowed me whole, and left e skin behind, covering it like a blanket.

more thoughts...what else

1) luton's weather was cold therefore affected my metabolism
2) i put on weight on the contrary since the 64kg to 65.5kg since
3) i lost weight only when i first went there; not after
4) housemate also lost weight
5) thoughts are stupid and waste of time cos i've spent years upset over the gym stupid cant sleep at night stress fuck; and ruined my career.
6) everytime i get upset like this, i m hurting my mother-no matter how indirectly
7) i am wasting my TIME!

suddenly, i wish for the calm, peaceful and quiet place of luton where i can just chill out; no comparisons, etc...

thoughts...

yesterday went to a friend's place for lunch, then dinner. met up w another pal from where i used to go to sch.

cooked thai-styled beef. everythhing went well, then, we talked about buddhism; death, temples, their extravagance,etc.

kind of freaky. wanted to get hold of this sutra thing, t iprove on my health. etc.

later, somehow, that night, got feeling hungry again and just freaked out. couldnt sleep again. slept at about 2am, woke up at 2.30, then woke up almost 2 hours later, and another...

felt like really freaked out about death. but ppl have been telling me: die, what's e worse? die die loh. how sangfroid.
how easy it is to say that, when one is in e pink of health...but has anyone seen a v sick man say otherwise?

i'm not q sure. anyway, i'm just like, wondering how strange it is...

death and sickness. i dunno y but i find that in e past, it's like when u read textx on buddhism, i didnt ever feel so affllicted by these words. but somehow, now, it's very terrible, very i my mind, ever so, almost like every minute of the day and it's really gettig to me.

but i've wasted so much of my time in the past to these concerns; gym, etc. i thinkt o myself: how laughable you've been. how much time you've wasted. now, i mustnt repeat e mistkae. i can at least try not to.

home

back home in sg. frigging tired. well, technically cos now, i'm supposed to b sleeping in london, if i were still in london...

journey back was ok. just that i sat next to this brit guy? and he was coughing all e way. fucking gross.

came back home. found out that i really was 66kg. wtf!? what is wrong w me? my body? fuck. i just feel kinda distraught again. about the whole fucking weight thing. anyway, time for chicken rice downstairs...

london...again...fun

went london.met up w pal, emma.

took shots. there were 2 guys who say hello to us at the O Bar and they were cool. doubt they were trying to pick up us or emma. just friendly danish ppl? yes, think so.

then, took a fuckign 2 1/2 hr train/bus ride back to luton.

on way, met some weird ppl on bus. but nice otherwise - girl said to roland: "oh get lost, you and your luton. that's just 1/2 way where i'm going."

hahaha.

good thoughts

today spoke to gd pal. but 1/2way through e conversation, when most things were alreaDY DISCUSSED, did the phone break down. that's NOT a bad thing.

went gym. despite sleeping so little, i managed to do a 12min brisk walk plus weights.

went to arndale mall, didnt feel jitters which was great, despite my horrid haircut at the side.

there was a last chelsea bun left; again!

bot two bottles of drinks for partner. good (heart i have, i mean)

got 2 writing deals - and sorted my emails to the all-biz-class airlines. yippee!

saw some nice clips of lin chin hsia, etc on youtube

good thoughts

amazing thing today is that in the morning, there was a fucking water shortage, then during lunch, suddenly it came on again! just in time for lunch before it fucking disappeared again!

it was meant to ALLOW me to COOK MY LUNCH! wahahaha

victoria and albert john madejski garden

love it. gorgeous italianate courtyard. was at v&a last weekend. wonderful surprise. outside was stodgy architecture, weighed down by the red bricks, etc and the blackened walls. but inside, this garden waS A REAL surprise. apparently v young. only redesigned in 2005. such a ontrast.

good thoughts today

1) stomach ok past few days, mostly except for hunger near sleeping time at 1am plus
2) did bit of writing and sorting out of plot
3) went to gym early
4) SUN TODAY!
5) got mail from eugene about new phone n address in paris
6) spoke to mom
7) spoke to ms yp
8) had belgian bun today (fuckin sweet)
9) packed my bag in a jiffy
10) read some tittle-tattle
11) realised that i shouldnt waste my time on fucking idiots
12) phone's WORKING!

goody thoughts today

good things today:

1) listened to 'inspiring' CHER's BELIEVE at the gym today
2) stomach relatively ok over past few days
3) people from pac net called today to try to resolve issue at night: OFF THEIR OWN BAT! amazing isnt it
4) did bit of writing today; resolved bit of this and that
5) saw NANNY DIARIES AGAIN: heart warming
6) went to arndale mall and didnt feel any fear in my heart at all: seem to be kinda immune to those fears
7) went to gym and worked out triceps too: no gastric after or feeling hungry. :)

another memory raker

such a gorgeous GIRL! omg. yang lin is the epitome of womenhood. so gorgeous, lovely skin, luminous, ahh....lovely voice, vivacious...wah so many things.

another memory raker

london's chinese restaurants

i just went to one for lunch; near south kensington tube. awful service. fucking faggot waiter had so much attitude as the amount of fat on his royal corporeal highness. fucking fucking faggot with attitude.

then, for dinner, went to FOUR SEASONS. they had 6 staff looking at us and COMPLETELY IGNORING US.

i left to MAGIC WOK and the food was not bad. repeat trip. BUT the fucking loony boss who kept singing while serving IGNORED US WHEN WE LEFT BUT CHOSE to say bye to a caucasian couple leaving.

WHAT FUCKING RACISTS.

on a lighter note, the food was nice but i doubt i'm going back again. fuckers.

e very talented mavis fan

tomorrow i am going to marry you

wow, the guitar work...memories flow in

across the seas to see you

dont want to go...

seagull

oh fucking love this song. v v nice and memories...

long lost song

i remembered listening to this like once upon a time.

lotus in the snow...

the memories come back swiftly, like the scent which takes down that curtain of time, bringing you back to that exact moment; the walls, faces and the sounds. how amazing songs are.

nice song eh...havent heard this in a bit

INCOMPETENT STUPIDITIES

first it was DBS bank. now it's pacific internet. i dont know what's wrong with singaporean companies. they fucking fuck up and they still act blur.

FUCK YOU-->

friend talk

the thing is, i dun fucking like to selfcensor what i write but i have no choice becos in case ppl read them, they'll think i'm mad. fuck, now i can't even write wat i wanna on my own fucking blog.