midlife crisis

i seriously think i m having some kind of midlife crisis.

it's strange. over years, it's alwas like that; i get some kind of difficult period, incredibly hard and terrible, awful torture. then later, better.

in short, ups and downs.

just that this down has been going on for so long - past 2 years, really - that i can't tell anymore.

now, i find it hard to go on, it's like, i feel nothing, there is nothing that can let me go on, move on. there is so much that is troubling me, i realise.

1) racist thing
2) friendships
3) insecurity, per se
4) aimlessness
5) stomach discomfort/fear of death

in short, ALL THESE FUCKING THINGS ARE HAUNTING ME. day and night. i realise that they're quit e abig chunk. why does this have to happen to me? i dont understand. it's unfair. other people just get on w their lives and i have to deal with this FUCKING SHIT everyday. FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING SHIT, day in day out. EVERYSINGLEFUCKINDAY

it's so unfair. why does this not happen to bad people? why does this not happen to other people that i dont give a fucking shit about or dont care for?

first up, i hate angmohs. i just want to move on and dont think of it. second, friendships. i feel so disappointed. reece is a fucking cunt, bernice is another one, jacq is another one, then, annie is a pure disappointment, and now, li ying ping. shits. all of them.

if you are reading this and you're one of them, yes, you're shit.

insecurity, quite a lot of it. i feel afraid of it, in general, as a result of these fake friendships that disappeared. i know now, for a fact, that they were never there for me from e start.

aimlessness, that's another one. i feel empty, nothingness, just devoid of direction. why? how do i start to cherish myself? i donnt. i want to know.

and last but not least, my stomach discomfort. what do i do with it? it's been 2 years over. i dunno how to rid of it. i want to rid of it. i dont want to die. i dont want to die younger than 70. i just want to be happy. happy without the stupid discomfort in my stomach. pls pls pls. GOD TAK EIT AWAY!