disillusioned

i feel q disillusioned today.

spoke to my best friend. she didnt 'quite need me' these past two weeks. why? because she went home to her mom. i am seeing a trend - she only calls me to whine and the only reason, i feel, is that she needs an outlet.

honestly, i m sick of it. the rest of it, i know what she does and i'm not going to air it here but i'm frankly quite sick of it. i hate people taking me for granted. it's something i won't tolerate and i will frankly, drop whoever who tries that w me. including that idiot reece.

fuck her.

i think i'm the only one who reads my blog. lol

i went to the national library today; it was ok lah. quite quiet. actually, TOO quiet. went to chinatown. saw chinese prostitutes; male and female. it was rather interesting watching them, i found.

the chinese girls are quite coy and the male prostitutes, from china, are really TALL and not that goodlooking but have a rather exotic look.

anyway, i didnt wnat them to think that i'm a 'prostitute' competing w them too; or whatever lah, so i quickly left.

i went to my cousin to have my teeth checked. she did an x-ray of my teeth and she said that i had MANY HOLES IN MY MOUTH. i got q depressed cos i feel insecure. ALL MY LIFE i've felt INSECURE. i dont know why but perhaps, and most likely, i realised that it was because of my father's death. it had always dogged me and i have never quite let go of it; or rather, this demon has never let me go.

i felt insecure again. i feel inseure all e time. but someone once said that what's e point of thinking so far ahead. life is so short and all these worries will get me nowhere. that's what i learned from buddhism. perhaps it's called being frivolous. but perhaps that's e reality of life; that we cannot contorl a lot of things and ultimately, we have to let go of the worries and just continue. this is how survivors make it, isnt it? through concentration camp internment, etc...internment in that tiny box in prison,e tc