regrets

i dunno y but i just felt like going thorugh some of old shots. wish i could scan them and put them here. i think i'll do that later.

anyway, was just thinking about seeing shots of my brother and me, fatehr and mother, etc. so many difernet shots.

i keep tihnking about those stupid smiles, reluctant smiles, grouchy faces (mom), tired looking dad, goofy eugene my brother, etc.

i see myself through time: me as an idiot boy, mostly sulky. so amny things. aiyah, dunno where to start. i just feel kinda sad. i kinda wished that i had this level of consciousness back then and so life would begin, really really begin then. but now, it's just only starting and it's strange, ppl always truly start to live only when they're going to die; or in a broader sense, which i'd like to think is more justified: people only start to live when they see the end. and that's sad. u know what i mean?

i love my mom and i wish i had spent more time together in the past. not that we dont. we do now. we spend a lot of time while i'm BUMMING and NOT EARNING $. still, sometimes, well, a lot of times, i feel helpless and wished and wonder if she has any regrets. that perhaps she might regret not being younger now. i dunnoo. maybe it's just me projecting my thoughts onto hers. it's stuipid, i always do that. w the f