feelings...

of warmth, sadness, irony and a sense of helplessness, expressed in this song by Lin Qi Yu. called replacement. lovely. think it's really great.

feeling kinda tired today. thots swirling again. actually not much. realised that when i m sick, the thots go away. cos the focus is on my ailments/discomfort.

suddenly, realised that hell is really a place in e head. that's y the Buddha taught us about the mind. how impt it is: heaven is just a step away, perhaps, since hell can be a plae that u inhibit in your mind.

terrible.

this sng makes me think about khong. khong beng hwee. the times in e army camp. i miss u. not so much anymore. but somehow, when i think about u, altho it was a sad time in my life, yet, i smile when i think of u. about how u smile, your lips. u know khong, i really hope to see u again someday. to meetu again. many a time, i think about how u look now: uncle, with tummy, haggard, having lost the beauty i had been so used to seeing u, the red red lips, the way you pat me on my head, etc.

i dont really wish that u loved me, mabe because i already knew that u did not. but in some ways, i wanted that vague loving kindness u had for me. i was thinking to myself: that if u did loved me, and we became a couple, what would happen today? we would have gone our separate ways? that we would be an open relationship kinda couple. maybe. probably.

but the way we parted; that open, empty way, just like e tarmac that fell away from the road, is how it ended for u and me.

khong, khong khong...suddenly ith ink about the past times. it's like, my good old days, about being besotted, that kind of innocent love, is over. so so over. it's over. wil never be able to recapture it again. even tho i used to say that i could. but in e end, i doubted i would have. it's gone.

now what would i give the world for? hmm...i dunno, really. maybe for immortality. it would make me rest in my heart. perhaps not, knowing how anxious i felt. i'd be fretting about how i would live alone, and how i would go on and on. hahaha.

maybe happiness. it's the most direct, and best way of achieving it. tat's why all you need is just to 'FEEL' the happiness, and u will be happy. yes, i think that's v true. give up everything else in your heart; all worries, pain, discomfort, etc, and happiness will land on your head, if u just keenly call out to it. it's like that lovely dove that u can call out to.