thoughts

is singapore a waste of my time?

i dunno. i feel kinda lost. like, im just floating along. whereas, i think overseas, that feeling is less. maybe im just giving myself an excuse.

but that not so wonderful feeling is cos i'm not sleeping well. i keep waking up at odd hours, lik 3 plus, etc. strange. then it continues, and goes on,...and goes on and on and on. the deepest part of my sleep is in the morning from 6 plus to about 10.

maybe i'm giving myself flak for not being able to finish my work. the trick to longevity is perhaps to be able to kan de kai. to be open about things and not to force things if they dont work out. just to accept. sigh...i m still learning.

i think i've matured in many ways since. but still i have much to learn.

...

feeling kinda blue. dunno y. probably triggered by my stomach thing. i think worsened by the documentary on tv.

showing that 101 year-old who lived so fucking long and then, it kinda made me depressed. live so long and still so happy. i wish. i m envious. really. truly.

i must outwit, outplay. outlast!

missing something...

always. i seemt o do that a lot. miss paris right now. over past few days actually.

i think i just kind of got sick of sg. i love my family but here, i dont know. i end up worrying about paying e bills, etc and i cant do what i need to - my novel. i know, i havent been doing it much yet if i dont do my writing, of course, i'll end up thinking of rubbish, etc...

dunno what e f. i guess i take sg for granted. i do miss e anonymity overseas but here, i get or rather, i feel that i get judged all the time - even for my shrinking frame. sigh.

living in sg

i dunno y. it's strange. this time, coming back to sg. leaves me feeling different.

e last time, i felt very close to home. like my relative. now, sg is just an overfamiliar relative.

last time round, e fears of overseas living made me that way. now, it's e opp. it's like living here, means that the demons are cming back - weight issue!?!

but then, if my weight issue disappears, maybe so will the fears about the weight thing.

i dunno what's happening but i know fear. F E A R. it's very big. in my heart, it seemed to have swallowed me whole, and left e skin behind, covering it like a blanket.

more thoughts...what else

1) luton's weather was cold therefore affected my metabolism
2) i put on weight on the contrary since the 64kg to 65.5kg since
3) i lost weight only when i first went there; not after
4) housemate also lost weight
5) thoughts are stupid and waste of time cos i've spent years upset over the gym stupid cant sleep at night stress fuck; and ruined my career.
6) everytime i get upset like this, i m hurting my mother-no matter how indirectly
7) i am wasting my TIME!

suddenly, i wish for the calm, peaceful and quiet place of luton where i can just chill out; no comparisons, etc...

thoughts...

yesterday went to a friend's place for lunch, then dinner. met up w another pal from where i used to go to sch.

cooked thai-styled beef. everythhing went well, then, we talked about buddhism; death, temples, their extravagance,etc.

kind of freaky. wanted to get hold of this sutra thing, t iprove on my health. etc.

later, somehow, that night, got feeling hungry again and just freaked out. couldnt sleep again. slept at about 2am, woke up at 2.30, then woke up almost 2 hours later, and another...

felt like really freaked out about death. but ppl have been telling me: die, what's e worse? die die loh. how sangfroid.
how easy it is to say that, when one is in e pink of health...but has anyone seen a v sick man say otherwise?

i'm not q sure. anyway, i'm just like, wondering how strange it is...

death and sickness. i dunno y but i find that in e past, it's like when u read textx on buddhism, i didnt ever feel so affllicted by these words. but somehow, now, it's very terrible, very i my mind, ever so, almost like every minute of the day and it's really gettig to me.

but i've wasted so much of my time in the past to these concerns; gym, etc. i thinkt o myself: how laughable you've been. how much time you've wasted. now, i mustnt repeat e mistkae. i can at least try not to.

home

back home in sg. frigging tired. well, technically cos now, i'm supposed to b sleeping in london, if i were still in london...

journey back was ok. just that i sat next to this brit guy? and he was coughing all e way. fucking gross.

came back home. found out that i really was 66kg. wtf!? what is wrong w me? my body? fuck. i just feel kinda distraught again. about the whole fucking weight thing. anyway, time for chicken rice downstairs...