e floodgates of joy opened today at Simei foodcourt

i sat by the foodcourt and ate my food, wondering why I couldnt really enjoy my food. later, when i finished my meal, i was trying to read but could not quite focus. then i realised...

i was happy.

happiness was not the 2-sec, in-a-dribble affair. this time, the floodgates opened. and i really could feel the energy surging through me, engulfing my being. really loved it. i thot to myself: this is what it is, the feeling of not needing distractions, of being open to nothing but this sensation/emotion and not needing anyone or any opiate (love or distraction).

this is called happiness.

why?
i think i just felt at peace. after going to see my TCM doctor, i just felt that i could be at ease, just like the after effect of meditation. i could sit there, without having to meditate yet i felt truly happy. really happy. just without needing anything else. this is prehaps the state i should strive for. and then i think to myself: maybe this could be what i am doing in future - just being alone and being just happy.

but it won't be easy. that feeling left later. i think it's the distractions; the PEOPLE, the passing thoughts, the anger, etc, which clouded the anger, or rather, sent my 'happiness' packing.

i strive to achieve this more in future.

my TCM doctor today said something strange to me: "if u dont get cured after this round of medication, perhaps you should go see someone who's better."

my face fell. or ratehr, my heart, not my face. i lost faith in him, i said surely u dont mean u can't cure me. is it that my case is serious???

he said NO. ur case is not a big/serious case at all. then? he just said he felt bad for making me go to him yet he could not cure me yet. i felt even more surprised he said that.

later, he saw my dismay and said, dont worry, "wo yi ding yao ba ni zhi hao!" - verbatim.

i asked him how long it takes ppl to get cured. he said 3 months should be all right.
i dont know. i really dont know how long it'll take me.

anyhow, later, i spoke to the nurse outside. she said that he always spoke to people like this. this lack of confidence?? anyway, she said if it helped me, i should continue and not let this affect me.

maybe i wanted security from him. not maybe. definitely. i can't help NOT thinking ahead, that in a month's time, if he doesnt cure me, then i'm like, incurable?

i hope not. but life is like this, innit. it's just full of stuff that might happen ahead but we only choose to worry about what we can worry cos that's only what we can do! but does it mean that life is more secure? NO WAY. it's just a kind of quixotism.

i must strive to let go. to be above fear. to stop fearing. i must.

now on my thoughts:
1) weight loss
2) fear of not recovering - gallstones
3) fear of not staying in this job and getting enough $
4) fear of not passing HIV and Hep C test
5) health fears for my loved ones
6) fear of not getting into university paris diderot.

so many! w e f!!

i will try my best not to think of them...