because i carry 'hell' with me and i have carried that baggage of OCD over the past years WITHOUT realising that it's been plaguing me and i must LET GO and STOP this obsessive fucking stupid SHIT, and STOP allowing my karma t CONTINUE to plague my LIFE and my mom's and roland's becaus ei will continue to CREATE BAD KARMA by LOSING MY TEMPER with others as long as i let my STUPID FUCKING FUCKING IDIOTIIC OCD GO ON.
I MUST FUCKING STOP!!
Sunday, June 8, 2008
meeting brother bhante kovida
today i met him. it was a nice experience. i would say that i normally didnt found the experience of meeting someone of higher spiritual level very intimidating, even stultifying. but later on, as i warmed up to him as he did to me - we spent 4 hours talking! - i realised that he was very casual and very approachable and i appreciated that tremendously.
i feel very grateful to him. that he bothered to even meet a stranger like me. and he spoke to me about many things. i really hope that i can learn qi gong from him and meditation. he did teach me meditative approaches like the laotian one that a laotian monk taught him.
we shared many things, and there were too many things to put down here. i guess, i 'm just tired from the exchange too and that today, my mind was too agitated to be able to calm down, or be happy. but i want to and i want to.
i hope to help him or be of use to him the way he has been to me. :)
thank you brother bhante.
may you be well and happy
may you be peaceful and calm
may you be well and healthy
may you be protected from danger and suffering.
on a differnet note, i've been feeling very disturbed again.
feel agitated becos of my weight thing.
mrning i weighed bout 69.9kg. ysterday morning, without food or water about 69.3kg - SEE i'm becoming OBSESSIVE!
at night, just after drinking, altho still short of about 250g of water, i weighed 67.7kg. i have to tell myself that my weight is in the same region as before and that i must STOP being unhappy and insecure, as I HAD BEEN AT WARWICK.
i DONT WANT TO BE THIS UNHAPPY when i get to paris and i must OVERCOME this fear and insecurity because it's RUINING my happiness and by letting this RUIN my hapiness, i m LETTING MY MOTHER AND PARTNER DOWN.
also, as my neurosis is not just about weight - it's about MY LIFE. because i used to have this neurosis and it was about gym, etc but now, i'm still ALLOWING IT TO RUIN MY HAPPINESS.
EDMUND, STOP BEING A FUCKING IDIOT. grow up and stop thinking obsessively about your weight because it's the FUCKING SAME.
i feel very grateful to him. that he bothered to even meet a stranger like me. and he spoke to me about many things. i really hope that i can learn qi gong from him and meditation. he did teach me meditative approaches like the laotian one that a laotian monk taught him.
we shared many things, and there were too many things to put down here. i guess, i 'm just tired from the exchange too and that today, my mind was too agitated to be able to calm down, or be happy. but i want to and i want to.
i hope to help him or be of use to him the way he has been to me. :)
thank you brother bhante.
may you be well and happy
may you be peaceful and calm
may you be well and healthy
may you be protected from danger and suffering.
on a differnet note, i've been feeling very disturbed again.
feel agitated becos of my weight thing.
mrning i weighed bout 69.9kg. ysterday morning, without food or water about 69.3kg - SEE i'm becoming OBSESSIVE!
at night, just after drinking, altho still short of about 250g of water, i weighed 67.7kg. i have to tell myself that my weight is in the same region as before and that i must STOP being unhappy and insecure, as I HAD BEEN AT WARWICK.
i DONT WANT TO BE THIS UNHAPPY when i get to paris and i must OVERCOME this fear and insecurity because it's RUINING my happiness and by letting this RUIN my hapiness, i m LETTING MY MOTHER AND PARTNER DOWN.
also, as my neurosis is not just about weight - it's about MY LIFE. because i used to have this neurosis and it was about gym, etc but now, i'm still ALLOWING IT TO RUIN MY HAPPINESS.
EDMUND, STOP BEING A FUCKING IDIOT. grow up and stop thinking obsessively about your weight because it's the FUCKING SAME.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
e floodgates of joy opened today at Simei foodcourt
i sat by the foodcourt and ate my food, wondering why I couldnt really enjoy my food. later, when i finished my meal, i was trying to read but could not quite focus. then i realised...
i was happy.
happiness was not the 2-sec, in-a-dribble affair. this time, the floodgates opened. and i really could feel the energy surging through me, engulfing my being. really loved it. i thot to myself: this is what it is, the feeling of not needing distractions, of being open to nothing but this sensation/emotion and not needing anyone or any opiate (love or distraction).
this is called happiness.
why?
i think i just felt at peace. after going to see my TCM doctor, i just felt that i could be at ease, just like the after effect of meditation. i could sit there, without having to meditate yet i felt truly happy. really happy. just without needing anything else. this is prehaps the state i should strive for. and then i think to myself: maybe this could be what i am doing in future - just being alone and being just happy.
but it won't be easy. that feeling left later. i think it's the distractions; the PEOPLE, the passing thoughts, the anger, etc, which clouded the anger, or rather, sent my 'happiness' packing.
i strive to achieve this more in future.
my TCM doctor today said something strange to me: "if u dont get cured after this round of medication, perhaps you should go see someone who's better."
my face fell. or ratehr, my heart, not my face. i lost faith in him, i said surely u dont mean u can't cure me. is it that my case is serious???
he said NO. ur case is not a big/serious case at all. then? he just said he felt bad for making me go to him yet he could not cure me yet. i felt even more surprised he said that.
later, he saw my dismay and said, dont worry, "wo yi ding yao ba ni zhi hao!" - verbatim.
i asked him how long it takes ppl to get cured. he said 3 months should be all right.
i dont know. i really dont know how long it'll take me.
anyhow, later, i spoke to the nurse outside. she said that he always spoke to people like this. this lack of confidence?? anyway, she said if it helped me, i should continue and not let this affect me.
maybe i wanted security from him. not maybe. definitely. i can't help NOT thinking ahead, that in a month's time, if he doesnt cure me, then i'm like, incurable?
i hope not. but life is like this, innit. it's just full of stuff that might happen ahead but we only choose to worry about what we can worry cos that's only what we can do! but does it mean that life is more secure? NO WAY. it's just a kind of quixotism.
i must strive to let go. to be above fear. to stop fearing. i must.
now on my thoughts:
1) weight loss
2) fear of not recovering - gallstones
3) fear of not staying in this job and getting enough $
4) fear of not passing HIV and Hep C test
5) health fears for my loved ones
6) fear of not getting into university paris diderot.
so many! w e f!!
i will try my best not to think of them...
i was happy.
happiness was not the 2-sec, in-a-dribble affair. this time, the floodgates opened. and i really could feel the energy surging through me, engulfing my being. really loved it. i thot to myself: this is what it is, the feeling of not needing distractions, of being open to nothing but this sensation/emotion and not needing anyone or any opiate (love or distraction).
this is called happiness.
why?
i think i just felt at peace. after going to see my TCM doctor, i just felt that i could be at ease, just like the after effect of meditation. i could sit there, without having to meditate yet i felt truly happy. really happy. just without needing anything else. this is prehaps the state i should strive for. and then i think to myself: maybe this could be what i am doing in future - just being alone and being just happy.
but it won't be easy. that feeling left later. i think it's the distractions; the PEOPLE, the passing thoughts, the anger, etc, which clouded the anger, or rather, sent my 'happiness' packing.
i strive to achieve this more in future.
my TCM doctor today said something strange to me: "if u dont get cured after this round of medication, perhaps you should go see someone who's better."
my face fell. or ratehr, my heart, not my face. i lost faith in him, i said surely u dont mean u can't cure me. is it that my case is serious???
he said NO. ur case is not a big/serious case at all. then? he just said he felt bad for making me go to him yet he could not cure me yet. i felt even more surprised he said that.
later, he saw my dismay and said, dont worry, "wo yi ding yao ba ni zhi hao!" - verbatim.
i asked him how long it takes ppl to get cured. he said 3 months should be all right.
i dont know. i really dont know how long it'll take me.
anyhow, later, i spoke to the nurse outside. she said that he always spoke to people like this. this lack of confidence?? anyway, she said if it helped me, i should continue and not let this affect me.
maybe i wanted security from him. not maybe. definitely. i can't help NOT thinking ahead, that in a month's time, if he doesnt cure me, then i'm like, incurable?
i hope not. but life is like this, innit. it's just full of stuff that might happen ahead but we only choose to worry about what we can worry cos that's only what we can do! but does it mean that life is more secure? NO WAY. it's just a kind of quixotism.
i must strive to let go. to be above fear. to stop fearing. i must.
now on my thoughts:
1) weight loss
2) fear of not recovering - gallstones
3) fear of not staying in this job and getting enough $
4) fear of not passing HIV and Hep C test
5) health fears for my loved ones
6) fear of not getting into university paris diderot.
so many! w e f!!
i will try my best not to think of them...
Thursday, June 5, 2008
talking and yakking
havent been in here for about10 days? i realised...
been sick a couple of days.
my weight again! bugging me.
the 2nd day, i weighed myself: 68kg at home.
the 1st day, i was 67.3kg
the 2nd day, i was 67.5kg
TODAY, i am 67.1kg.
f£$^...sigh. i lost weight! so sian.
maybe i didnt. maybe i did. aiyah, i dunno leh, feel sian. worried.
realise that everyday, i have been preoccupied about my weight and my girth. each day, i feel that my weight is dropping because my pants are so LOOSE.
1) am i really losing weight?
- 67.5kg to 68kg to 67kg. about same?
Does thinking about my weight or thinking about my weight INCREASE IT?
- NO.
so? STOP THINKING ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT.
fears?
- fear that my weight will keep dropping.
what will it do for me if i keep thinking abot my weight?
- NOTHING. -> same goes for if i go to paris and what has happened over past 2 years at warwick, etc....it is torment.
edmund u must STOP.
is there evidence that your weight fluctuates over past 2 years?
YES. it DINGDONGS UP AND DOWN. but in the end, it's still very much e same? -> think luton, warwick, etc
therefore, STOP FREAKING OUT.
on a different note, i want to do other things.
i want to get in to Uni of Paris and be happy!
i want to save enough till ... yippee!
i want to be happy! just happy!
i m praying...
been sick a couple of days.
my weight again! bugging me.
the 2nd day, i weighed myself: 68kg at home.
the 1st day, i was 67.3kg
the 2nd day, i was 67.5kg
TODAY, i am 67.1kg.
f£$^...sigh. i lost weight! so sian.
maybe i didnt. maybe i did. aiyah, i dunno leh, feel sian. worried.
realise that everyday, i have been preoccupied about my weight and my girth. each day, i feel that my weight is dropping because my pants are so LOOSE.
1) am i really losing weight?
- 67.5kg to 68kg to 67kg. about same?
Does thinking about my weight or thinking about my weight INCREASE IT?
- NO.
so? STOP THINKING ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT.
fears?
- fear that my weight will keep dropping.
what will it do for me if i keep thinking abot my weight?
- NOTHING. -> same goes for if i go to paris and what has happened over past 2 years at warwick, etc....it is torment.
edmund u must STOP.
is there evidence that your weight fluctuates over past 2 years?
YES. it DINGDONGS UP AND DOWN. but in the end, it's still very much e same? -> think luton, warwick, etc
therefore, STOP FREAKING OUT.
on a different note, i want to do other things.
i want to get in to Uni of Paris and be happy!
i want to save enough till ... yippee!
i want to be happy! just happy!
i m praying...
Saturday, May 24, 2008
what did i eat today...
still on this neurosis of mine
today i had:
breakfast
2 slices of bread
1 banana
lunch
rice with vegetables and chicken
TEH
afternoon
carrot juice
yam bun
dinner
sakae salad
grilled chicken w rice
supper
papaya
slice of cake
today i had:
breakfast
2 slices of bread
1 banana
lunch
rice with vegetables and chicken
TEH
afternoon
carrot juice
yam bun
dinner
sakae salad
grilled chicken w rice
supper
papaya
slice of cake
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
rage
does nothing for you.
yes, i admit it. nothing. absolutely nothing. just burns away all your good karma.
i RESOLVE NOT TO BURN AWAY MY KARMA because it's not worth for those motherfucking idiots out there. yes, i must try to be so calm and cool because the moment i let myself rage inside, i have LOST.
i must be cool. i must keep my cool.
anger comes from myself and it is myself who is raging. i wil harm myself and no one else will know but myself.
why am i always upset with other people? why do i always want to Win? to take revenge? because i think it's necessary for me to show them who's boss. but why? i have been trying ot udnerstand myself. why was i so indignant when my tenant continues to defy me and invites her entire clan to the house?
2 possibilities:
tenant is a bitch. tries to irritate me
tenant is NOT a bitch. tries to get e best deal for herslef.
anger-what role does anger play? to show that i m boss and that i do get upset and show them i mean business.
why do i want to mean biz? that i CANT BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED?
but i get upset, does it mean that ppl are SCared???? NO.ppl wil do whatever they want to and they dont care even if u are angry. some people just will get more pissed off and wont run, like i think.
therefore my assumption is when i show ppl i m angry, people will RESPECT ME - SO NOT TRUE AT ALL.
- people will only start to act crazy if u go beyond a certain level of hostility.
another thing is ; will people respect you if u get upset or throw tantrum? no. they will only dislike u more and hate u more. highly possible.
i had another theory about anger. if u want others to respect u and etc....when u dont see ugly things, u GET THE IMPRESSION it means all is well. but is it true? no. the nastiness is still there. just because my tenant did not TELL ME THAT SHE WANTS T ASK HER ENTIRE CLAN TO COME, doesnt mean that she is not planning to do so.
my point is: u get upset only when u see the nasty things or stupid things ppl do. but it doesnt mean that they havent thought the thought and your anger is directed at those people because u think that they're thinking e thot. but u have to learn to accept that they've started to think those thoughts and already have been thinking those thoughts. accept it. learnt to accept it. that life is full of this shit and is NOT AS WONDERFUL AS U THINK but u must learn to accept it and stop feeling angry.
u are angry because u can't accept the truth about life: the ugly harsh truths.
CATHARSIS -> u havent accepted the truth about life's harsh realities.
yes, i admit it. nothing. absolutely nothing. just burns away all your good karma.
i RESOLVE NOT TO BURN AWAY MY KARMA because it's not worth for those motherfucking idiots out there. yes, i must try to be so calm and cool because the moment i let myself rage inside, i have LOST.
i must be cool. i must keep my cool.
anger comes from myself and it is myself who is raging. i wil harm myself and no one else will know but myself.
why am i always upset with other people? why do i always want to Win? to take revenge? because i think it's necessary for me to show them who's boss. but why? i have been trying ot udnerstand myself. why was i so indignant when my tenant continues to defy me and invites her entire clan to the house?
2 possibilities:
tenant is a bitch. tries to irritate me
tenant is NOT a bitch. tries to get e best deal for herslef.
anger-what role does anger play? to show that i m boss and that i do get upset and show them i mean business.
why do i want to mean biz? that i CANT BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED?
but i get upset, does it mean that ppl are SCared???? NO.ppl wil do whatever they want to and they dont care even if u are angry. some people just will get more pissed off and wont run, like i think.
therefore my assumption is when i show ppl i m angry, people will RESPECT ME - SO NOT TRUE AT ALL.
- people will only start to act crazy if u go beyond a certain level of hostility.
another thing is ; will people respect you if u get upset or throw tantrum? no. they will only dislike u more and hate u more. highly possible.
i had another theory about anger. if u want others to respect u and etc....when u dont see ugly things, u GET THE IMPRESSION it means all is well. but is it true? no. the nastiness is still there. just because my tenant did not TELL ME THAT SHE WANTS T ASK HER ENTIRE CLAN TO COME, doesnt mean that she is not planning to do so.
my point is: u get upset only when u see the nasty things or stupid things ppl do. but it doesnt mean that they havent thought the thought and your anger is directed at those people because u think that they're thinking e thot. but u have to learn to accept that they've started to think those thoughts and already have been thinking those thoughts. accept it. learnt to accept it. that life is full of this shit and is NOT AS WONDERFUL AS U THINK but u must learn to accept it and stop feeling angry.
u are angry because u can't accept the truth about life: the ugly harsh truths.
CATHARSIS -> u havent accepted the truth about life's harsh realities.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
work...
i have been working for several weeks liao. well 3 to be exact.
i dont particularly like e job. i dunno what i m doing in that ccockhole. i shouldnt swear. i think i should be beter now. anyway, i keep counting my days...to august, my driving practical test. ihope i pass.
on a different note, i have been tihnking a lot about buddhism. today, was thinking about homosexuality and buddhism. i was wondering y the dalai lama would condemn it and immediately, i dismissed him, and his authority (sorry) and even the Buddha. but i checked the net later and realised that i shouldnt ahve doubts. i did have my doubts and really, i shouldnt have. shouldnt be so quick to judge.
anyway, i dunno what to say liao. too warm, too humid, too tired.
i dont particularly like e job. i dunno what i m doing in that ccockhole. i shouldnt swear. i think i should be beter now. anyway, i keep counting my days...to august, my driving practical test. ihope i pass.
on a different note, i have been tihnking a lot about buddhism. today, was thinking about homosexuality and buddhism. i was wondering y the dalai lama would condemn it and immediately, i dismissed him, and his authority (sorry) and even the Buddha. but i checked the net later and realised that i shouldnt ahve doubts. i did have my doubts and really, i shouldnt have. shouldnt be so quick to judge.
anyway, i dunno what to say liao. too warm, too humid, too tired.
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