is growing. certainly. quite sure of it.
but that serpent tongue of mine is still hanging around for a while longer. i still get a kick out of saying soemthing mean. what's wrong w me???
anyway, today, i went to my aunt's. then walked to dover mrt. the weather was kind of sucky. yucky. made my way into the train, sat next to someone who coughed quite badly and i left and went to antoehr carriage.
i walked to the kopitiam by e driving centre. had my meal. oh yes...i remember now. there was this maid or something, who SAT smack in my seat and by my table when i clearly had indicated that i had taken up the place there - i left my bag and my umbrella there. and of all the places she had to sit, she took mine.
maybe it's a test of patience of sorts. these days, i 'm looking for signs all the time. hahaha. yes, if it's a good one, why not? am i not right? after all, if u cheat urself just to make urself feel better, SURE, y not???
i didnt want to tell her off because i felt that i didnt have to. and that i should maintain my equanimity.
later, attended driving classes with a new instructor. yuck, i really dislike going to the group of men who own their own cars. yuck. it's disgusting. today's smelled liek the uncle had been farting in there for so long. and today, when doing my U-turn, i went up the fucking kerb. OMG. i should be ASHAMED F MESELF...keke.
later, had a bit of a migraine/headache and hung around the mrt station, cos my head was really hurting. then, went to holland v and sat down, and had kaya loti. and then, spoke to an auntie, who had a flu/cold. and i told her tips on what she should brew or drink in order to recover from her flu as wel as general upkeeping of one's pyhsical well-being tips. :) good me. hehe.
i think it's true indeed, helping others and being kind to others is very gratifying. but of course, i still find it difficult to do that to arrogant ppl. somehow, arrogant ppl make me feel that they are having a good time, therefore they shouldnt be helped and that they deserve to be made to feel like shit. well, that's a very erroneous view and i really hope to change that. :)
i have so many feaRS, etc; fear of not getting enough sleep, fear of not being well, fear of being stressed (As opposed to really being stressed - how FUCKING STUPID OF ME), fear of loved ones' not feeling well, fear of being poor, fear of being looked down upon, fear of financial instability, fear of instability. I LIVE IN FEAR! what the fuck. stupid me. i must let it go (or at least in order to go to the pureland).
Buddhism says one shouldnt have fear in one's heart.
gdnite edmund!
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
back!
yes, i almost forgot i have this blog.
i been in a tizzy for a bit. actually, it's not new. i know ppl know i m in a tizzy but i realised that many people do not realyl understand or know me at all. it's disappointing. but to have people not understand u and hold it against you; i.e, misunderstand you and steer away, then i find it quite difficult to accept.
regardless...i was reading soemthing about forgiveness that day. i dunno y. but of late, i have been receiving 'gifts' of sorts; the 4D, the signs i have been seeing - the 2 pigeons nestled in the grass, the strange vacant lift that waits for me at my block, the realisatio that some ppl in my life are really my 'guardian' angels - my mom and roland, who have always been by my side, something i dun quite understand because sometimes, i do think that i'm quite rotten to the core yet they're like godsend, and yes, in many ways,i dont deserve them and the only way i can rationalise their presence is that they're here to guide me - show me the right path. indeed, i am most fortunate. i read somewhere today about an analogy about how a man drowns because he wanted to wait for God, but really, God had come by in the disguise of fisherman, which the drowned man had passed up the chance to be saved by him.
last night, i met another person, a taxi drive whom i spoke to and wanted to help initially but later, turned out that he 'ENLIGHTENED' me instead; speaking to me about the buddhist-like teachings he had learned on his own - he said he is a FREE THINKER.
then, i think about my own mistakes in life; the huge huge mistakes and bad karma but i think to myself, maybe it's true, i should stop feeling guilty, STOP FEELING GUILTY and start learning to FORGIVE and forgive OTHERS at the same time, and also that, perhaps my mistakes were what had 'opened' my eyes to see what i had done and what i SHOULD DO in future.
i wrote down the names of all the people who i hate/disliked, yesterday and i sat at a kopitiam, feeling sad, down, almost teary at one point as i listened to No Air by Jordin Sparks. then, i wrote down and tried to come up with the names of 30 over people who had helped me too; whose kindness was only during a moment but something that i remembered. in that sense, i have relived their kindness once again and they have come to my rescue once again. i thk you all.
there was a positive thought; i think i might want to become a HOUSING AGENT! hehehe. 1k$ per month is also bette rthan nothing. :)
i been in a tizzy for a bit. actually, it's not new. i know ppl know i m in a tizzy but i realised that many people do not realyl understand or know me at all. it's disappointing. but to have people not understand u and hold it against you; i.e, misunderstand you and steer away, then i find it quite difficult to accept.
regardless...i was reading soemthing about forgiveness that day. i dunno y. but of late, i have been receiving 'gifts' of sorts; the 4D, the signs i have been seeing - the 2 pigeons nestled in the grass, the strange vacant lift that waits for me at my block, the realisatio that some ppl in my life are really my 'guardian' angels - my mom and roland, who have always been by my side, something i dun quite understand because sometimes, i do think that i'm quite rotten to the core yet they're like godsend, and yes, in many ways,i dont deserve them and the only way i can rationalise their presence is that they're here to guide me - show me the right path. indeed, i am most fortunate. i read somewhere today about an analogy about how a man drowns because he wanted to wait for God, but really, God had come by in the disguise of fisherman, which the drowned man had passed up the chance to be saved by him.
last night, i met another person, a taxi drive whom i spoke to and wanted to help initially but later, turned out that he 'ENLIGHTENED' me instead; speaking to me about the buddhist-like teachings he had learned on his own - he said he is a FREE THINKER.
then, i think about my own mistakes in life; the huge huge mistakes and bad karma but i think to myself, maybe it's true, i should stop feeling guilty, STOP FEELING GUILTY and start learning to FORGIVE and forgive OTHERS at the same time, and also that, perhaps my mistakes were what had 'opened' my eyes to see what i had done and what i SHOULD DO in future.
i wrote down the names of all the people who i hate/disliked, yesterday and i sat at a kopitiam, feeling sad, down, almost teary at one point as i listened to No Air by Jordin Sparks. then, i wrote down and tried to come up with the names of 30 over people who had helped me too; whose kindness was only during a moment but something that i remembered. in that sense, i have relived their kindness once again and they have come to my rescue once again. i thk you all.
there was a positive thought; i think i might want to become a HOUSING AGENT! hehehe. 1k$ per month is also bette rthan nothing. :)
Monday, March 17, 2008
disillusioned
i feel q disillusioned today.
spoke to my best friend. she didnt 'quite need me' these past two weeks. why? because she went home to her mom. i am seeing a trend - she only calls me to whine and the only reason, i feel, is that she needs an outlet.
honestly, i m sick of it. the rest of it, i know what she does and i'm not going to air it here but i'm frankly quite sick of it. i hate people taking me for granted. it's something i won't tolerate and i will frankly, drop whoever who tries that w me. including that idiot reece.
fuck her.
i think i'm the only one who reads my blog. lol
i went to the national library today; it was ok lah. quite quiet. actually, TOO quiet. went to chinatown. saw chinese prostitutes; male and female. it was rather interesting watching them, i found.
the chinese girls are quite coy and the male prostitutes, from china, are really TALL and not that goodlooking but have a rather exotic look.
anyway, i didnt wnat them to think that i'm a 'prostitute' competing w them too; or whatever lah, so i quickly left.
i went to my cousin to have my teeth checked. she did an x-ray of my teeth and she said that i had MANY HOLES IN MY MOUTH. i got q depressed cos i feel insecure. ALL MY LIFE i've felt INSECURE. i dont know why but perhaps, and most likely, i realised that it was because of my father's death. it had always dogged me and i have never quite let go of it; or rather, this demon has never let me go.
i felt insecure again. i feel inseure all e time. but someone once said that what's e point of thinking so far ahead. life is so short and all these worries will get me nowhere. that's what i learned from buddhism. perhaps it's called being frivolous. but perhaps that's e reality of life; that we cannot contorl a lot of things and ultimately, we have to let go of the worries and just continue. this is how survivors make it, isnt it? through concentration camp internment, etc...internment in that tiny box in prison,e tc
spoke to my best friend. she didnt 'quite need me' these past two weeks. why? because she went home to her mom. i am seeing a trend - she only calls me to whine and the only reason, i feel, is that she needs an outlet.
honestly, i m sick of it. the rest of it, i know what she does and i'm not going to air it here but i'm frankly quite sick of it. i hate people taking me for granted. it's something i won't tolerate and i will frankly, drop whoever who tries that w me. including that idiot reece.
fuck her.
i think i'm the only one who reads my blog. lol
i went to the national library today; it was ok lah. quite quiet. actually, TOO quiet. went to chinatown. saw chinese prostitutes; male and female. it was rather interesting watching them, i found.
the chinese girls are quite coy and the male prostitutes, from china, are really TALL and not that goodlooking but have a rather exotic look.
anyway, i didnt wnat them to think that i'm a 'prostitute' competing w them too; or whatever lah, so i quickly left.
i went to my cousin to have my teeth checked. she did an x-ray of my teeth and she said that i had MANY HOLES IN MY MOUTH. i got q depressed cos i feel insecure. ALL MY LIFE i've felt INSECURE. i dont know why but perhaps, and most likely, i realised that it was because of my father's death. it had always dogged me and i have never quite let go of it; or rather, this demon has never let me go.
i felt insecure again. i feel inseure all e time. but someone once said that what's e point of thinking so far ahead. life is so short and all these worries will get me nowhere. that's what i learned from buddhism. perhaps it's called being frivolous. but perhaps that's e reality of life; that we cannot contorl a lot of things and ultimately, we have to let go of the worries and just continue. this is how survivors make it, isnt it? through concentration camp internment, etc...internment in that tiny box in prison,e tc
Friday, March 14, 2008
i feel so bitter
so damn bitter. bitter bitter bitter....................................................................................
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
a strange blog...
i want to work on the loving-kindness meditation
1) think of myself: good thoughts: may good things happen for me; may i be well and healthy, may i be peaceful and calm; may i be protected from bad things and people, may i be happy and joyous.
2) a person i really respect and love
3) a person i deeply love
4) a neutral person. eg shopkeeper
5) a person i dislike (that wont be difficult i have a long list...)
i want to be a better person; to be nicer; to be at peace w the world; to make peace; to be nicer; to rid myself of the bad karma; to be a patient person; to stop the UNPLEASANT experiences in my life; to only have the good pleasant things in life (for a start; then later move on to the 'neutral' things)
good things today:
1) had a great time w jacq
2) was more patient w buddy
3) had a nice time at yakun
4) the girl at yakun was friendly and nice to me
5) didnt have to queue at aji-tei
1) think of myself: good thoughts: may good things happen for me; may i be well and healthy, may i be peaceful and calm; may i be protected from bad things and people, may i be happy and joyous.
2) a person i really respect and love
3) a person i deeply love
4) a neutral person. eg shopkeeper
5) a person i dislike (that wont be difficult i have a long list...)
i want to be a better person; to be nicer; to be at peace w the world; to make peace; to be nicer; to rid myself of the bad karma; to be a patient person; to stop the UNPLEASANT experiences in my life; to only have the good pleasant things in life (for a start; then later move on to the 'neutral' things)
good things today:
1) had a great time w jacq
2) was more patient w buddy
3) had a nice time at yakun
4) the girl at yakun was friendly and nice to me
5) didnt have to queue at aji-tei
Monday, March 10, 2008
realisation
i realise that when i think about those people who haunt me; like marc, wishing him etc, or people like bee ong, i know that i m compassionate and that i m not really wishing them bad things; i cant be 100 per cent sure but i dont think im that kind o person because i know that i when i see them sad, down, pained, i dont want it. i will also feel sad.
i just wnat to say that i dont want to curse people. i just want to renounce the anger in me and that i want to process it out beause i feel its toxicity in me. i cant say i wish for all gd things to happen t people but i wish for good things to good people now, i really really do.
i promise the Buddha that i will promise to do my best to be a better person. i will do my best.
i dont want anybad things to befall my loved ones. i only wish for good things to befall them.
peace.
i just wnat to say that i dont want to curse people. i just want to renounce the anger in me and that i want to process it out beause i feel its toxicity in me. i cant say i wish for all gd things to happen t people but i wish for good things to good people now, i really really do.
i promise the Buddha that i will promise to do my best to be a better person. i will do my best.
i dont want anybad things to befall my loved ones. i only wish for good things to befall them.
peace.
lovelies...
1)had lunch w mom today
2) went to gym; saw UNCLE! was a nice surprise. chatted briefly. i dont know why but i kinda liked his father figure thingy. i had a father but not one whom i felt loved me terribly; rather, it was always a distant figure, cold and faroff. somehow, it was nice to feel as if i was being loved by an older man; a father figure. saw oli pettigrew. oh god, i dnt wnat to go there.
3) went to holland v and found a nice spot in the middle of ya kun. great. asked the ladies if it was taken. it WASNT!
4)went to starbux and it was QUIET - great. charged my laptop; then went to have dinner. felt better liao.
5) wentback to yakun and did bit of work. was quite good and did quite a good bit today. i am glad!
this is a fruitful day!
on other thoughts:
been wondering about whether how i should let go my anger/fear/disappointment/love/sadness, etc. i dunno how to 'process' it other than wishing bad things onto another person. it's bad, not good. i dont want to. my light side tells me it's wrong. really. what should i do? i dont know...
i want to express it; let it go. it's about time. i dont want to see it again. but somehow, coming back to sg, makes me see it again i just feel that it all rush back in a tide.
i dun even know what i'm writing about anymore.
all i can say is that i fucking hate all of you fucks -
1) deborah maak - just a fucking bitch
2) wee teck - fucking paedophile
3) marc almgro - fucking loser who might just die alone someday in an oldfolks home - this is NOT a curse.
4) pramila kaur - hypocritical cunt who can't keep her leg shut to a stranger-desperado
5) jacinta ho - hypocritical bitch; the reason why many people won't go to church
6) denis pua - u fucking idiot who can't keep your cock in ur pants
7) teo boonpin - u fucking faggot; i wonder how u managed to use your dick on jacinta a bush in the garden
8) ong sohchin - u fucking idiot who cant spell, fuck you fuck you fuck you - i wnder how u got to where you were - u're too damn ugly to be fuckable i just wonder why; btu then, many str8 men just have a dick that can't think or discern so it's just all about a hole, isnt it?
9) bee ong - fucking act-posh bitch turned yoga instructor - u look like a clamped up cunt, i.e a tight mussel
10) alfian - u fucking cockhead snob - look at how intelectual you are now; that's y u can't even be a relief teacher cos the entire govt knows you are a FUCKING MUSLIM FAGGOT wth a hole dying to be plugged
11) CYRIL w - u fucking poet who writes so many autobiographical poems that i just think you're pure rubbish - btw, if u're reading this, i showed one of my profs your poems and he rubbished it, saying it was 'cliche' beyond belief
12) THE MOTHRFUCKERS AT SILVERFISH WRITING - fuck you! if i ever win a booker prize, u can forget about the interview i'll give. not that i am dying to but i guess u bunch of fuckheads are just pathetic losers who reallly believe that you are the bloomsbury gang in...er....MALAYFUCKINGSIA.
13) sharon bakar - F U C K Y O U - and go home! :) peace...
ok, i'll continue tomorrow
2) went to gym; saw UNCLE! was a nice surprise. chatted briefly. i dont know why but i kinda liked his father figure thingy. i had a father but not one whom i felt loved me terribly; rather, it was always a distant figure, cold and faroff. somehow, it was nice to feel as if i was being loved by an older man; a father figure. saw oli pettigrew. oh god, i dnt wnat to go there.
3) went to holland v and found a nice spot in the middle of ya kun. great. asked the ladies if it was taken. it WASNT!
4)went to starbux and it was QUIET - great. charged my laptop; then went to have dinner. felt better liao.
5) wentback to yakun and did bit of work. was quite good and did quite a good bit today. i am glad!
this is a fruitful day!
on other thoughts:
been wondering about whether how i should let go my anger/fear/disappointment/love/sadness, etc. i dunno how to 'process' it other than wishing bad things onto another person. it's bad, not good. i dont want to. my light side tells me it's wrong. really. what should i do? i dont know...
i want to express it; let it go. it's about time. i dont want to see it again. but somehow, coming back to sg, makes me see it again i just feel that it all rush back in a tide.
i dun even know what i'm writing about anymore.
all i can say is that i fucking hate all of you fucks -
1) deborah maak - just a fucking bitch
2) wee teck - fucking paedophile
3) marc almgro - fucking loser who might just die alone someday in an oldfolks home - this is NOT a curse.
4) pramila kaur - hypocritical cunt who can't keep her leg shut to a stranger-desperado
5) jacinta ho - hypocritical bitch; the reason why many people won't go to church
6) denis pua - u fucking idiot who can't keep your cock in ur pants
7) teo boonpin - u fucking faggot; i wonder how u managed to use your dick on jacinta a bush in the garden
8) ong sohchin - u fucking idiot who cant spell, fuck you fuck you fuck you - i wnder how u got to where you were - u're too damn ugly to be fuckable i just wonder why; btu then, many str8 men just have a dick that can't think or discern so it's just all about a hole, isnt it?
9) bee ong - fucking act-posh bitch turned yoga instructor - u look like a clamped up cunt, i.e a tight mussel
10) alfian - u fucking cockhead snob - look at how intelectual you are now; that's y u can't even be a relief teacher cos the entire govt knows you are a FUCKING MUSLIM FAGGOT wth a hole dying to be plugged
11) CYRIL w - u fucking poet who writes so many autobiographical poems that i just think you're pure rubbish - btw, if u're reading this, i showed one of my profs your poems and he rubbished it, saying it was 'cliche' beyond belief
12) THE MOTHRFUCKERS AT SILVERFISH WRITING - fuck you! if i ever win a booker prize, u can forget about the interview i'll give. not that i am dying to but i guess u bunch of fuckheads are just pathetic losers who reallly believe that you are the bloomsbury gang in...er....MALAYFUCKINGSIA.
13) sharon bakar - F U C K Y O U - and go home! :) peace...
ok, i'll continue tomorrow
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